[ a.craving.for.christ ]

Disappointment

2012-01-22T00:09:00.002-05:00

Relationships are tough. They really are tricky. And I'm a complete amateur at handling such situations. And I can just imagine myself, ten years from now, laughing at my totally amateur self. Laughing and reminiscing over all the mistakes I am about to make, and the things I am going to learn. Oh boy. It is going to be a rollercoaster.

And you know, when they say that love is a continual choice and decision made to love the other, it's true. It's easy when the other person is as you'd like them to be, but when life throws curve-balls at you, you're going to have to choose to love them daily. And it's hard. Especially when the other person continually disappoints you. And what's even harder is the need to push down that anger, disappointment, and pride you feel towards your loved one.

That love must manifest itself in action. And if it's not easy to continually choose to love them, here is the kicker, you need to show your love for them. You need to get down to their level, and own the problem with them. And here's the thing that happens for me, pride steps in the way and I start to question why I even need to get down and shoulder this problem.

For me, I really struggle with being incredibly impulsive. And most of the time, I can't control what comes out of my mouth. Sometimes, it's extremely hurtful and extremely angry. And I'm thankful that he has been patient with me while I'm learning how to season my words with grace.

And though this problem in our relationship is not explicitly my problem, it is my responsibility to help him shoulder it. And as he already feels bad about, would it be appropriate for me to lash out and pile my disappointment on him? No. That's not what a loving girlfriend should do. If Jesus loved us till the end, I can try to do the same.

Often times, I have caught myself being so prideful or angry that I have thought myself as the better. And even if he does not confess his sin to me, I still must confess mine to him. In the eyes of Lord, all sin is weighted equally, so who am I to say that his sin is more because he has hurt me more?

And have I failed in the process? Yes. Definitely. And has he taken my love for granted during this time? In my books, I feel like the answer is yes. But should I stop loving him? Never. Love shouldn't be given just for the sake of recognition. If I only love him with expectations of recognition from him, then it will only feed my pride. But if one loves for the sake of loving, perhaps it is true love. At least I hope that's the case for me.

It's been pretty hard, but I'm thankful for today.

Sing, Sing, Sing

2012-01-05T00:48:00.002-05:00

Here are the lyrics to the two songs I've uploaded!

With A Clean Heart I'll Praise You

With A Clean Heart I'll Praise You
With A Pure Heart I'll Honour You
With A Right Spirit Within Me
I Will Magnify Your Name

I Will Magnify Your Name
I Will Magnify Your Name
With A Heart That's Full
Of Love For You
I Will Magnify Your Name

Love You Made Me For -- Fear of God/Dissapear Album

My desire is to love You Jesus,
To fill the passions of Your heart,
To see You smile and laugh for joy,
Knowing I, hearing I love You.

Let me cause Your feet to dance,
And draw You into Zion,
Surround You with the love You made me for.
There is nothing more I crave,
Then to reach Your burning fire.
I will bless the One that I adore

Come into me, Your Spirit to my soul will be
What I embrace. Bring Your Spirit into me.

Sing to the King

2012-01-04T16:54:00.001-05:00

Woke up and spent some time with the Lord.
Such a good day to be lazy and jam with Him.
I also love exploring and singing the oldies and forgotten songs of the past. :)
These two struck a true chord in my heart.

With a Clean Heart, I'll Praise You.
Don't know who it's by, but I learned it at our fellowship's fall retreat. Our counselor Roger was preaching and taught us this song. I never forgot it and I really wanted to record it so that I will never forget it.

Love You Made Me For
Again, I'm not sure about who composed it, but it's beautiful indeed. Most of the time, the worship songs that we sing are filled about His goodness and what He has done for us. But as His children, we also love Him and this song talks about loving Him and wanting to please Him.

For I am His, and He is mine

2012-01-02T22:01:00.000-05:00

Over the past few months, the Lord has sincerely showed me how potent and how unyielding love can be. Not just displayed in His love for me, but also displayed and seen in my love for another. For him.

And it'll be amazing if relationships are stress-free and problem-free. But it's not the case most of the time, and that's okay too.

As you pour out love for this person, and they disappoint you, or does not reciprocate, it pulls your heartstrings hard. It is very natural to want to be loved in return, and it's very natural to be upset or disappointed if your loved one does not reciprocate in the same way. It's normal. Your significant other is not perfect, and they may need extra patience and love and forgiveness from you at times. What's healthy and right is to approach them in a loving matter and bring it to the Lord in prayer together. Might be scary to approach them about it, and they might be too prideful to accept it, but in time, let the Lord penetrate both your hearts with His truth and love, and go before Him for guidance.

Just like any relationship, I've come to a realization that this is exactly where the Lord and I are standing. Except, my failure to reciprocate love probably hurts Him infinitely more times than when "he" does not reciprocate "his" love to me. In the same way, we know and are in relationship with the Lord in an extremely intimate way. Though He cannot hug me and hold me like a physical being can, His name and His love gives infinitely more comfort and joy than any human being can provide. And best yet, He yearns to be intimate with me all the time. He yearns to listen to me as I talk to Him. He yearns to hold me tight for an eternity in Heaven. And same goes for everyone reading this.

The idea of a relationship may seem really nice. Having a significant other to hold you when you are sad, or just being able to hold them tight seems nice. However, are we idolizing the concept of being in a relationship and not realizing our one true Love? Until you come to realize that Jesus is and can fill every one of your needs and that you should love Him first, perhaps it is wise to continue building your eternal relationship with the Lord before pursuing a relationship with someone else.

Yes, I do not deny that being in a relationship is one of the best things that have happened to me. However, the challenge to love the Lord more than anything else in your life is raised and I find myself in difficulty of finding true intimacy with the Lord. When you can become physically (to an extent) and emotionally intimate with another person, it may be hard to see why you should need to be intimate with the Lord. However, relationships are given as a gift, as a way for the Lord to show His love for you, and ultimately, as a little glimpse of how true intimacy with the Lord will be in eternity.

He loves you. Do you love Him in the same way? And for me, it is a battle to say yes everyday. However, if I had to fight for this love every minute and every second of my life, I would do it.
For I am His, and He is mine. Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

Like a rose, trampled on the ground, You took the fall, and thought of me, above all.

Year Long Absense!

2011-12-12T11:40:00.003-05:00

Crazy exam period right now, and for some reason, I really feel like I should post. First and foremost, the Lord is faithful. Has been a year ago, has been during the year, and still is. And that is it really. That's the plain and simple truth. He is forever faithful.

Just reading the last post from a year ago, and I sigh at my immaturity. As if I am much more mature today. :P And for your information I am not. I am still the little baby trying to understand and trust that I am stand up. And the thing is, the more that you learn about Christ, the more you realize how insignificant, how sinful, how immature, and how unworthy of grace you actually are. So if anything, maturity is just the REALIZATION that you're much lower than you actually thought you were. True, it sounds depressing, but really, what is your life without Christ? Nothing. Zit. Nada. Nothing.

You worth is found in Christ. Which is pretty amazing, seeing how He is the most glorious being in the whole universe.

And yet, as I grow in my realization of this, I still fail to sin. Big time. And it's not like this sin is a much bigger obstacle. Not really, I still struggle with the same things I did a few years ago. Falling into those old rusty traps of temptation that Satan set up for me, and my mom, and my grandma, and my great-great-great-great....you get it.

But over the year, what I've learned is that as you cultivate a relationship with someone, you start to love what they love and hate what they hate. If you grow deeper into the Word, you will start to naturally HATE what Jesus hates. Of course, you still need His strength to overcome sin, but have you ever heard the quote "Do as lovers do"? That is naturally what happens.

I know with conviction from Him, I can overcome. It's not about elbow grease. It's about conviction. You can work as hard as you want to clean your slate, but if He does not show you the truth of sin, you'll be working in vain.

P.S. In response to my last post. Really, I did lose this person...for a while. And was I upset? Extremely. Did I cry? Yes. Was I angry with the situation? Absolutely. Did I blame God? Perhaps. Was God faithful? Yes. Yes. Yes. And when I decided to give this person up to the Lord for good, the Lord decided to pull an "Abraham-Issac situation" on me. Hahaha. It took ten months, and that time period of surrendering and refusing to surrender hurt like hell, but the Lord had a plan all along. And it worked out for the best.

Frightened.

2010-12-18T17:34:00.002-05:00

I'm really scared. I feel like when the day comes, I'm going to lose it all.

Help me.
Because I don't even know how to help myself.
Help me to trust that what You're doing is good.

Closing Doors

2010-12-16T12:14:00.002-05:00

When I was waiting on God for my answer, I was so frustrated, because I really didn't know what to do. But now, it seems like, doors are closing and opportunities are closing. And in a sense, I'm really glad that this is confirmation for closure. But at the same time, I feel really sad. And as for closed doors, I know that He has the power to open them again. But just knowing that this is once again, another door closing makes me feel sad.

Even if I had guarded my heart, would I still not feel sadness? I'd just be cheating my own feelings if I were to say that I wouldn't be sad.

But a sister of mine reminded me that God does good for those who love and obey Him. And His love for me has been overwhelming. I've been able to sustain in ways that are unimaginable to me if I had relied on my own strength. He reveals Himself to us in our times of trial. And it has been really different this time, because even though I've been through this many times, I was able to see how He brought me through this much more clearly.

This past chapter has really been a little bit different. And as much as I would not like it to close, I am curious to see how my faith and obedience will bring me through. Not saying that I won't cry. No, I'm pretty sure I'll cry up a storm. But there is goodness in suffering and there are treasures in heaven waiting for me.

Spur of the Moment

2010-10-22T23:51:00.002-04:00

My last post was somewhat written in the spur of a moment. Just reading it, realizing that I had wanted to succumb to my anger and confusion instead of being patient. Looking at myself in my foolishness and wanting to fulfill my humanly desires.

I have such trouble with patience. Father, truly, bring me THROUGH this trial well. I've been asking for deliverance OUT of this trial. But, there are so many precious things to experience and I've been missing out of these things because of my foolishness. Looking at things not important and worrying about them.

So I ask that I can have perseverance in prayer. I lift this person up to you, whoever it may be, that you can prepare their hearts as you prepare mine. I pray that you'll guard my heart well and that I will be seeking after you through all this. Help me to be patient and remind me that in Your time, all things are made beautiful.

Stupidity as a Result of Myself, No Surprise Here

2010-10-20T22:31:00.002-04:00

What do you want from me?! You know that I don't know what to do in these situations! Can't you just give me the stupid answer already?! Instead of wasting your own time, watching me make the same mistakes over and over again, can you please just tell me what it is?!

If you are someone that transcends all understanding, then you know that I can't find the answer at all! So why aren't you helping me? This earthly desire is too great, it honestly goes beyond human logic as to how I should stay away. How come I can't have the same desire for you? Instead of being a blessing to mankind, it's a burden to me.

Being fooled time and time again does not feel nice.

Again and Again and Again

2010-10-14T00:24:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, I feel like the Lord gives me the same problem/situation to me and time after time, I'm stumped at the very same problem, and can't seem to acknowledge the situation. It's like a math problem. 1 + 1 = ?

I have the practice problem. I look at it, and without even thinking, I complain about how hard it is. I complain for the longest time and finally get a grip. I look down at my hands, count my fingers...1...2. 1 + 1 = 2? Is it two? Let me count again. I'm not sure. I'll ask Him, He'll say yes it is. I look at my hands, after complaining and saying that I don't understand, I take a leap of faith and accept it as the answer. And in the end, it's alright.

Okay. 2 + 2 = ? And so on. I know in my heart, it's very simple! Just look at Him and TRUST him. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He is the only way and only answer. I know that, so why am I so stumped at this current problem. I know the answer is 4. But why am I so hesitant to write it down?

Of course, in a real life problem, things like feelings and emotions come into play. But if our faith is truly in Him, then why should our feelings matter? Shouldn't our faith in our never-failing God override all hesitations and fear?

I know a re-occuring theme in all the problems that I have faced so far was relying on my own strengths and methods and feelings. And when I succumb to that, things turn out much worse than if I had left them alone. Noted that I will report here when I have messed up yet again. Fingers-crossed that I can solve this problem quickly and effectively.

Moment

2010-10-11T11:13:00.002-04:00

I find it to be so funny when I look upon the struggles of another person (most likely, younger), and have realized that I've gone through it before and just how trivial the whole situation is. I mean like, laughing at someone is really rude, but I cannot help but think that I was in the very same situation a few years back, with the same amount of worry and stress, only to realize that there were worse things down the road.

In the same way, when I put my current worries and struggles into context, God must be looking at me and laughing at me for worrying about this insignificant thing. And this amazing, great, loving God really does deserve to laugh at me. I'm sure it's broken His heart many, many, many, many times. I can just imagine a big guy up there, chuckling with a sad smile.

I really struggle with loneliness. And it's a very normal and human thing to feel. But despite being a elf-acclaimed social butterfly (haha) and being surrounded by a lots of people who love me. I still feel really lonely. I can't explain it. I didn't realize that my heart and soul had been crying out until I had acknowledged it verbally and consciously. No. It was much more than that, I remember screaming and shouting in frustration. I was actually screaming and shouting for something that I wanted. And to give some background about myself, I am rarely frustrated and I rarely scream for what I want, let alone complain. Noted, I do complain a lot for fun. :P

Anyways, so at the peak of that moment. Tears just came streaming down my face, and I was just shocked at what had happened. Writing it out and re-reading this makes the whole event seem small. But at that moment, I had a very different kind of encounter with the Holy Spirit that I have never experienced before. And praise God for that. He is good.

It was really hard for me to lay down what I was holding most close to. I still have a hard time, but I feel that it's okay for me to lay it down and walk away from it. I have to glance back at it a lot. But I'm on my way, looking for another adventure. :) I've realized that it's okay to scream and shout for spiritual nourishment and fulfillment. And I've also come to know that God will be faithful as long as you are honest with Him. He demands your whole life you know? You can't expect Him to bless you and give you amazing things if you can't give your life to Him.

This challenge is complete....for now. You don't really need a retreat or a "spiritual inducing moment" such as a praise night to invite the Spirit in or for the Spirit to work. It can happen at anytime. Ahhhh!~~~~ I feel so happy. : )

Comeback

2010-10-06T21:49:00.004-04:00

Wow. I honestly have not written in the longest time. SO many things have happened over the summer, and I don't know where to start. Just wanted to say sorry to the 2 devout people who actually read my blog. Hahah. It's nice that way. I can say the things that I want to say, and my devoted readers will actually get it. : )

Anyways, for the past few years, or months...it seems like years, I've been writing alot about past relationships,...no...correction, past failed relationships, love and things like that. and as we are well into another year of school, hopefully filled with happy things to share, I would like to say that, my mindset hasn't really changed. So as per usual, I think you'll be hearing about another "To-be failing" relationship that is to come in a few more posts from now.

And to share a little bit about all these "failed relationships". Yes, it did hurt to be rejected all the time. Yes, it did hurt to miss the mark and to even think about a possible future with the person. But you know, now that I think about it with a clear mind, it really wouldn't have worked out. Even as I did take it to the Lord in prayer, I realized that I'd probably still be happier today (single), then if I was with any of the other prospects that I have been writing about.

And it goes well with the fact that, God knows every single step of my life. He knows all the times that I've been disappointed or sad or heart-broken. But at the same time, He knows it's best for me. To take the experience as it is, as it develops me for the person that He has destined me for. Now, I know that I've gone through lots of failures, but that doesn't make me EXTRA ready. And I honestly don't even know what's going to happen to me tomorrow. But what I do know is that this is all a test of faith.

And it is so hard. I think I am the most impatient person in the world. But I know at the same time, I have to develop more in character and serve Him more and most importantly, get to know Him more. The last part is really important. And I struggle big time.

And as I write all this out and reflect upon what He has done for me. I know that I'll be unfaithful and somehow waver in my faith. :( Praise God that He is a merciful and patient God. : ) There are still so many things that I know, but have not yet to apply in my life.

My prayer is for the filling of Your Holy Spirit in my life. I want to know that I'm complete in Christ with full confidence.

distance, distance, distance

2010-07-14T00:03:00.002-04:00

this is harder than i thought.
when things get hectic, even spending a few precious minutes on the phone seems to be really hard.

ahhhhhh!!!!
i feel like i'm going to burst! really!

Marriage Storm

2010-07-05T17:47:00.003-04:00

So...people are getting married by a STORM. Facebook notifies me of two new engagements from this week. One I'm not so sure about. And two marriages in the past week. I'm going to one next week. It's crazy...marriage...engagement...lovey-dovey time. Ahaha.

What will I feel when all my friends start to get married and I'm always just the wedding singer... Of course. I don't want to get married now, but I never thought that marriage was something of the distant future.

Future or not. I know I've said it many times, but marriage is a serious deal. It's really something to be cherished. I know I've been made fun of for being narrow-minded or being too Christian-minded in searching for relationships. But, it hurts if someone only loves you because you're pretty or smart, because somewhere down the road, there will always someone who can do things better. We humans are completely flawed and sinful, it takes the introduction of a third person, God, to keep a relationship together.

And yes, a relationship calls for lots and LOTS of sacrifice and compromise, but compromising lifestyle CHOICES is not the same as compromising lifestyle. Being Christian and choosing to worship and serve God is not a lifestyle choice, its a command given to us. Choosing marriage is a lifestyle CHOICE, it goes after we have established our LIFESTYLE. A lifestyle choice is to compliment the current lifestyle that one is living, so how could a Christian choose to marry a non-Christian?

And also! Divorce is not an option. It really isn't. If marriage goes according to how the Bible has written it to be, then there should be no reason for divorce. It's easy for yourself to be the one leaving the person in a relationship, but what about the other person? And how about your children? Unless there is a real legitimate reason for divorce, it's most likely for selfish reason. The world's love and the people has nothing to offer you.

So shake out of it. Think and pray hard about things like marriage before you actually make the decision. You're not only hurting yourself when you rush into things, you hurt the people around you as well.

1 Corinthians 13

Thoughts to be Cautious About

2010-07-01T00:35:00.002-04:00

I just so happened to be daydreaming just a few minutes ago and I came across myself, asking myself in a middle of a thought, if the thought was okay to think. That. Is the most confusing sentence ever, so I hope my point got across. Anyways.

Just thoughts about my future. And...such. Haha. And, got me thinking, what's the difference between a "curious" thought and a "sinful" thought. I mean, it's totally natural to be curious about the future, to wonder what is going to happen. But at the same time, to let it get too carried can become a sinful habit.

Now, I'd love to blame all these thoughts on summer. I mean really, hormones are raging all over the place. People want to go out, have fun, get REAL close. And yes, EVERYBODY has hormones. Everybody wants someone to love, and to be loved.

But God has told me to be reminded,
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -- 1 Corinthians 10:13

We all have a time in which we want to get really intimate with someone. To have someone treasure you and take care of you for who you are. Even holding hands can be really exciting. But at the same time, we must be reminded that God calls us to be pure in heart. No matter what life stage we are at. No matter what our relationship status is. He calls us to love Him first and He'll carry us through.

Summer Blues?

2010-06-26T01:03:00.003-04:00

The weather just feels so great lately. I love all the sunshine and the sports and all the hanging out. It's especially great now that I have a car to drive around! :)

With the circumstances and with the people that I've been surrounded by lately. Distance i was what I am thinking about. Distance. Either brings people closer than they have ever been, or farther and farther apart. It's rare that a relationship stays exactly the same, because everything changes every with every second.

Distance. It's good to be at home for the summer break, I love the London community, but being at home with everyone is great too. I miss all the times at the library and all the fun times with my girlfriends, but being at home...is home. Even with the occasional chaotic moment and the significant decrease in freedom, I love my family and I would spend every moment with them.

I'm also meeting new people. Which is amazing. I've met pretty amazing people so far, they challenge me in their ministry and it just makes me so excited to see what God will do in their lives. Whereas even calling friends from school are getting harder and harder each week. Different things happen and it gets harder and harder to relate.

If this is so, what about relationships? No matter how I think about it, I'll most likely be in a long-distance relationship for either the school period or the summer period. I know visitations are possible, but it just gets hectic during exams or even work. Sometimes, it's hard to find a weekend to visit. There was a time in which I thought that it would work out, but instead, it took the turn for the worst. I was young. I was naive. And I fear that I still am.

Maybe I should just wait this period out. I mean, if we are intended to be together, we'll be together no matter what...right? How do you stay pure when all you can think of is "that" person? I thought that i was thinking about "this" person, instead, I was thinking about "that" person. It's not like there was any establishment with "this" person, but I really thought that I did like this person. It just seems like a viscous cycle through time.

Funny how "dilemmas" like these are supposed to be blessings.

Shaking Ground.

2010-06-23T14:07:00.002-04:00

What the freak...?
Apparently there was an earthquake in Central Canada just twenty minutes ago. It was actually a weird feeling, I felt really weird, like I couldn't control my body and my eyes were acting funny. I actually had to stand up. And by that time, it was over.

But news broke out. And apparently, there WAS an earthquake. My mom also managed to call home as every parent at her school was calling in to check up on their kids.

And at that very moment. I was about to watch Naruto Shippuuden 121 (yes. lots of catching up needed) and it got me thinking. As the second coming is coming like a thief in the night, am I ready? At that very moment when the earthquake struck, was I worthy of standing at the Lord's feet? I know the clear answer was no.

Even though it was a minor earthquake, I started to contemplate on the open doors and opportunities that were before me and how I hadn't wholeheartedly pursued them. I haven't been fulfilling what's on my plate for today and I haven't been doing so for a long time now.

I'm just reminded of my incompetence and how I could even think of being stagnant when the Almighty and Glorious God controls it all, even the earthquake. (Which is so small to Him!)

The earthquake was a real blessing and reminder. Hopefully I am not the only tiny human that was reminded of His glorious and majestic power today.

The Toughest Challenge

2010-06-22T22:10:00.004-04:00

So yesterday, a certain best friend of mine were chilling out at Tim Horton's and we just so happened to be talking about our most favorite conversation topic. Boys. Relationships. Boys. Boys...and need I say more?

I don't know. Might be immature. But whether other women like admit it or not, it's a sure conversation starter. And I don't even know why I like to talk about it so much, but I'm sure it's something that will stay as a mystery. I really don't know, there's something about stupid, oblivious men. Haha. Anyways, so we were talking about who we thought would be suitable future prospects. And it was getting really...kind of...depressing, because, I could talk all I want and nothing could come out of it.

However, my friend, being the very logical, calm and also Biblical friend that she is, proposed a challenge to me. We're going to spend a whole week trying not to think excessively about these future prospects and what it COULD mean for us.

And initially, I was really hesitant about this challenge. I mean, thinking about a person that you like is normal right? But, I think at the same time, it can become an unhealthy AND sinful habit if it gets out of hand. And it's very true. I'm very good at letting my imagination go wild. Yeah. It really goes wild. (:P)

So. Today is the first day. It has been SO, SO, SO hard. Really. More than halfway into a thought. I stop myself. And when you have nothing to do, you really want to continue that thought.

So here is my stoppage number for today: 5 (Hopefully I won't pass this number for tomorrow!)

fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood

2010-06-15T15:25:00.001-04:00

AMAZING.
really well done.
time well-spent

im very, very, very impressed.

is the new normal actually normal?

2010-06-12T11:49:00.004-04:00

I've been meaning to write for a while now. Society is okay with this, but I think, no, I know that it is wrong. I don't write to intentionally criticize, but I write to create awareness and hopefully a new form of thought. Reading, experiencing and seeing new things gives us the opportunity to widen our world and to make choices that we were never aware of making. So here goes. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree, the written opinion below is just another form of communication to help widen your horizon of thinking just a little bit more.

Relationships. I see relationships as a personal, shared bond with another individual (of the opposite sex) in which one sees promise as a partner in ministry and in marriage. Marriage is a holy and precious covenant made before God that both man and wife will remain faithful to each other in all circumstances, and most importantly, faithful to Christ in all circumstances.

Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery. -- Hebrews 13:4

And as it is fun and captivating to watch Glee and to get caught up in it's hilarious (and ridiculous) drama, it makes me feel uneasy to watch and think that the relationships outlined in the show are okay. It's really not. And it hurts me to see a character go into many different relationships without no real remorse. I know, it's just a show. But this show probably reflects the type of society we will have, or hope to have in the future. The show is given alot of positive feedback because it accepts people with all types of ethnic identities, sexual orientations, and physical abilities/disabilities. However, when such an acceptable society arises, many more social, moral and ethical problems arise. Who has the solutions to that?

The Bible has it's specific laws and commandments on how everything should run. Being right-related with each other and with Creation. Pursuing Shalom. (Acts 2) And, there's no such thing as pursuing the Kingdom as an individual. We are designed to work as a community, as a Body of Christ.

Let's move. I can't guarantee that the road will be smooth. No. We'll be taking the narrow path. However, in the same way, those who stay stagnant will get what they deserve from the Lord.
Which path and which lifestyle will you choose?

new directions

2010-06-04T23:43:00.002-04:00

its been literally a month after i have blogged and i must say, i am definitely a different person and i do find myself laughing (and somewhat ashamed) of my previous post.

what God has done for me in Hamilton is unbelievable and there is so much to say in light of this. to start off, God does not like to do things the easy way. no. He likes to go the hard, if not, EXTRA hard way. to serve God and to live a life solely to follow Jesus is really difficult. theoretically, it's really easy. but to truly live a life dependent on Him is super hard. i could have gone through the whole trip just volunteering and gardening and spending time with people. but no, i spent time reconciling with my past. with myself. with others. with my community. it was hard. i hate seeing my hurt, my incompleteness and my sin.

it's an Asian tendency to want to push everything under the rug, and to pull all the hurt back out. to deal with it piece by piece and to have made myself vulnerable to my team is extremely difficult. i understand that being vulnerable is key to bringing on the Kingdom. but to understand without acting is doing nothing. to act upon it, to make it a lifestyle is truly to live a life dependent on God alone was so hard.

i spent all week catching up with friends. each time, the talk was different. there was so much to talk about. so much that i learned and too much that could possibly be said.

and i have spent a lot of time watching glee. i really do love it. but this trip truly allowed me to make new choices and gave me new directions to life. there are choices that i can make that i was never aware of in my wildest dreams.
with that, i really will make the most of my summer in cultivating my ministry.

even if that means starting small and getting involved in my community by asking a neighbour for some wax paper.

no probably means no

2010-05-01T02:24:00.003-04:00

I keep asking God, if this is right for me,
and He says no.
I try to find the best things in this, and the best qualities in that,
but still He says no.

no means no.
and I'm finding it so hard to believe. so hard to swallow.
I'm clinging onto that last piece of memory that might turn the tables.
I pray that things will change to a yes.
I say that I'll wait and wait for the day in which we both will be ready.

but He still says no. I don't know if the no will turn to a yes.
but I have a feeling that I'll just look back months from now, and laugh at my desperation. laugh at my foolishness.
and it kind of hurts. even as i type this. it's like, peeling off a stuck on bandage to your skin.
you don't want to peel it off, and it hurts when you try to remove it. when you try to stop. but it's for the best in the end.

im weak. and foolish.
i place my hope in the wrong things.
help me set my eyes on You first.
I want to love You first.
I want to love You the most.
wholly lost in holy lovesickness. that's what I want.

the mud puddle

2010-04-10T01:52:00.003-04:00

in a world in which beauty and money rules all, i would be lying if i said that i didn't care.
i really applaud the people who really don't care about social status, or wealth, or looks.
i really do.
its a earthly struggle that i've been having for a really long time now.
i lose myself to the standards of this world, and find myself being angry and upset at what i cannot achieve.
might sound stupid. but it's the truth.

when people say "it's not worth it". i really do believe that.
i believe that.
but my body isn't so easy to let these things pass.
i come up with questions such as "what if i do this?" or "what if i do that?"
in the end, i get even more upset.

my outside is just as filthy and ugly as the inside.
i feel like every time i am cleansed, i choose to jump inside the same mud puddle that made me dirty.
ive been jumping back into this mud puddle for years now.
i can't resist the mud puddle.
my lack of effort makes me ashamed. ashamed of myself. ashamed of my dirtiness.
what should i do?

new beginnings

2010-03-25T23:43:00.002-04:00

this person.
is different from everyone else ive met.

purity of heart and patience is my prayer.
hopefully, i can get to know this person through this new beginning.
Father, please guide my actions and my words. let it be pleasing to You.

i need to be careful.
in all honestly, i hate this feeling.
and it puts me in a situation in which sin can easily grab hold of me.

let me have eyes for You alone.

first step

2009-12-24T11:59:00.002-05:00

first step feels great.
it really does. i think this past month was a really big .... learning experience for me. and it was really difficult.

it was tough. it really was.
i thought that i had done something wrong.
i felt like, even if i gave my best, it was not enough. and it was upsetting.

but. i feel that, in all trials and tribulations (even though mine wasnt as drastic as it should be), we can be joyful, that we can only praise for the outcome and be thankful for the things learnt.

it doesnt make sense. it really doesnt. but, just reflecting on what i've learnt, experience is so valuable. and. being sad and upset is part of the experience.
it doesnt feel very good.
and i can't say i want to repeat the experience.

but in leaving this.
i feel strong. and im so glad im finally moving.

¹Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ²through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. ³Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 5: 1-5

finally moving

2009-12-21T03:05:00.003-05:00

im done with this. i really am.
ive hurted for a really long time.
and ive been so pathetic.

im done with this.

sin has no power over me.
sin is not my master.

my only Master is Him and Him alone. and He overcomes all.

prepare me for battle.
strap me on with all Your armour.

im ready to take the next step.

reopened

2009-12-18T02:54:00.003-05:00

so today, i decided to open up some of my old wounds and pick at them.
it hurt. alot.

seriously. how did it end up like this?

im so frustrated. i don't understand.
in being passive, ill be hurt.
in being active, ill be hurt.

i was told to let go of all my hurts, worries, troubles on sunday before the sermon.
i am still holding on. afraid to let go.
my heart actually worries at the thought.

i want to scream. i want to cry. i want everything to be okay.

teach me to let go.

you know, sometimes you know that something is wrong when you envy another brother/sister's spiritual walk.

i cry for restoration.

Asleep

2009-12-14T00:44:00.002-05:00

Sometimes.
Okay. Maybe.
Alot of the time. I listen to the radio and think...

"Is there someone to write a song about me?"
"Is there someone who misses me or thinks about me all the time?"

It's embarassing. It's stupid.
But, in order to get this behind me, I think I should post it.

Lord, wake me up.
Lord, stir my soul.

Break this heart of stone.

Once again, I'm sorry

2009-11-29T22:55:00.002-05:00

Sorry for having to wait for me.
For so long.

Your heart must have hurt.
Your heart even hurt for me when I was hurt.

Sorry for being more preoccupied with my distractions.

Thank you for falling in love with me.
I never thought anyone would.

Oblivious

2009-11-28T23:13:00.002-05:00

Oblivious.
That's exactly what I am.

Inexperienced.
Naive.

I am so stupid.
I forgive too easily.

How could anyone ever be interested in me?

love is everywhere

2009-11-22T00:49:00.001-05:00

Over the duration of this weekend, our church held a missions conference on evangelism during the dark times. And, I know I should have been focusing on the sermon, but for some reason...I noticed all the married couples and how they sit beside each other and talk and share about the message. It was so nice and a real breath of fresh air from the married life some people experience in society today. Call me old fashioned, but I want to see myself like that 10 years from now...or maybe even sooner. ;) And it was really nice, because I found out this weekend that two church friends of mine started to date. (after lots and lots of prayer!) It's a really happy day! I guess I've finally hit the stage in my life in which I'm actively thinking about a relationship and what it means to be in one.

However, even though I am THINKING about it, I don't think I'm mature enough or experienced enough to progress. I am being very prayerful about it, and I'm trying to be very patient. But sometimes, waiting is really hard. Especially when you see other friends in relationships. Over the course of these few months, I've learned that when the time is right, the Lord will open up "his" heart to you. It feels like that day is taking forever to come.

I also want to share my day with someone. Tell him when I'm happy, or when I'm sad. Uplift each other in Christ. Pray together. Worship together. Laugh together. Cry together. I want to experience all these things too.

I do have someone in mind. And I have been praying for this particular person and our relationship. It feels like I'm not getting much of a response, and I worry that we won't be together in the end. (Which is a bad mentality!) But even though our relationship is kind of irregular, and even though I fight with him a lot and even though we have contrasting personalities and even though I can't act normally around this person. I still want to get to know this person more and more and I want him to know me more and more too.

In this post, I was able to write about alot of my personal thoughts. I'm actually really glad I did. I would just like to comment on one more thing. Even though most of the thoughts posted above made me seem insecure about relationships and whatnot, I'd like to emphasize that the Lord has everything in control. Even though I worry about the possible chance of not entering a relationship with this "someone", I rejoice in the fact that the Lord will provide me with a person who is perfect for me. Regardless of whether it is that "someone" or not.

Second Year Thoughts

2009-11-13T15:05:00.005-05:00

Here I am, sitting in the middle of a bio chem class, which I don't actually take. I am actually waiting for my friend to finish her class and we're heading to the library to study. So I think, why not take some time to write on this blog? Hahaha.

I haven't been blogging for sometime, but that doesn't mean nothing's been happening. I've been reading a friend's blog and he seems to be having a fun time at school. As for me, I really don't know. This year has brought in so many new experiences and many new periods of growth. I don't live at the school residence anymore, so it's been a really interesting experience cleaning after myself and cooking. I really enjoy it though, living with four other girls, you learn alot about yourself and your real capabilities and shortfalls in the "real" world.

However, there has been no conflicts so far. We've brought each other through these past months and hopefully we can continue to do so for the next two years. Learning to cook, remembering to clean and balancing homework. It's really fun. And best of all, I don't have to share a room with anyone. My room is just space for myself. I love it.

Also, meeting so many new friends from different settings and backgrounds. It really is different this year. I love being in my sports classes and being in the library with friends and...new friends to come. :) I am truly blessed to be able to stay in Kinesiology and to be at Western in general. Also, I've been really blessed with being in a great small group and hopefully, the Lord can plant some seeds in us. I really hope we can become a fruitful group this year.

It's been great this year, it really has been.
However, I felt that this year, academically and spiritually, I've been falling. As for academics, I haven't been doing as well this year. It's ironic because I've been studying everyday. Getting my marks back was very discouraging. I was actually really upset for a while and as a result, my spiritual life was brought down. I began criticizing the Lord for shortcomings and my the reason why I've haven't been doing well in school. And even though my friends had encouraged and even rebuked me, I was still upset. I had still depended on myself. I had still pitied myself. I was still upset at the Lord.

Living in my own foolishness and giving in to sin made being joyful very difficult. I had focused all my efforts on short term living and not on eternal living. I've been working so hard for just a second of living, instead of obeying God and working hard towards the rest of eternity. I had gotten upset for no apparent reason. I've been told over and over again that the Lord has my path planned, so why be worried? I even take it in with a smile on my face, but in reality, He can see the worry in my heart. He knows all and He knows what is BEST. Know that I look back, I can't believe I've fallen into this path again and again. I mean really, if I were God, I'd be seriously fed up with myself. I'd be so frustrated.

But, instead, he loves me even more. And even to now, He's wanting me and embracing me. And as I write this, I can't even understand how and why He would want to do so. His love is truly indescribable and truly invincible. He wins me over and over again.

The Marvellous Gift of Grace

2009-10-04T23:03:00.002-04:00

Last week, I learned that this blog is still being read so I would like to reflect on some thoughts that crossed my mind during the past weekend. This past weekend, I went on a retreat with a Christian fellowship group that I currently attend at university.

Personally, I thought that this weekend has been one of the best weekends of this year. There is really nothing better then a group of young people full of potential on fire for an awesome God. It was really a sight to see and a moment to behold. In the time of reflection and worship, the Lord revealed to me how broken and how empty I really was. I couldn't help but break down in tears. What a marvelous God; to love me even when I've neglected him. I realized that I hadn't known Him at all. Late at night, there at times when I'm praying and I ask myself, "Who am I talking to?" But, when witnessing the Holy Spirit working in a large group of people, I can see that our Lord is very real indeed!

There was also a time to share with fellow sisters (+ brothers) about our sin and our struggles. Of course, the start of the sharing was awkward and uncomfortable. But yesterday, the chains loosened and the walls fell down. I felt completely liberated from my sin and I had felt so much closer to my sisters. It was exactly what our fellowship needed. Sharing the burdens of your heart in faith and leaning on your fellow sister (or brother). I know the Lord will allow great things to happen.

The parable of the prodigal son is one of my favourite parables from the Bible. Having learnt the parable from a very young age, its been a parable that I've known for a long time. It's a simple story all in all, but the meaning behind the story is so complicated and I've been having a hard time wrapping my head around it. As for me, I've always seen myself as the older son in the parable. Shamefully, I will admit that, if I were the older son, I'd be very upset at the younger son. Instead of joyfully receiving a brother and sister who has returned, I would rather focus on myself and be upset that I was not recognized for my works and for my faith.

And, as the speaker has challenged us with this weekend, "Are you working towards your salvation? It is by faith that we have been saved, not works. And so, what are you working for?" I knew the answer. I knew what I have been working for, I've been working for recognition and for personal satisfaction. I have been working, but not for the Lord. It was to glorify myself. I didn't work because I loved God, I worked because I loved worldly attention. And just, the friend that reminded me of this barely living blog, he shared a quote in which I wrote in a previous post. As I reread that post, I realized that I never reached the goal I had initially set for myself. I'm in the same position now, as I had been in the past few months.

But, I am excited. I know the Lord will change me and bring me out of this state. With His love and grace, hopefully I can get out of the "me" mindset and embrace the "All for Him" mindset. I think I had a really good weekend.

a wife of noble character

2009-07-28T00:25:00.003-04:00

¹⁰ A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

...

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

²⁹ "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

- Proverbs 31: 10-12, 25-30

i'll try my hardest.
i definitely will.

consecration

2009-07-25T00:46:00.003-04:00

con - se - crate:
verb, adjective

to make or declare sacred; set apart or dedicate to the service of a deity
to make an object of honor or veneration; hallow

- Taken from dictionary.com

If Christianity were a crime, would there be enough evidence to convict you of being a criminal?

This was one of the questions that was brought up during choir. We were having a conversation on the word, consecration. Living a life set apart for the Lord. The discussion leader had asked this question at the end of the night and I'm still having alot of thoughts on it. So. I would like to talk about them.

During the conversation, the discussion leader was talking about how being a Christian is not just about being good. Surely, it is a good thing. But to tell the truth, anyone can be good. Anyone can do good deeds and act kindly. However, in being a Christian, not only are we called to be good, we are also called to be Godly. This is what truly sets us apart.

As a reader, you may not understand why I am talking about this. But, it's interesting. I remember in the very beginnings of Summer '09, I had made a goal to myself to be a better person. A person willing to serve humbly and righteously. It's very interesting because now that I look back at this summer. I begin to see how I was not able to progress in my goal. Surely, I have done some good deeds here and there. But, it was all for the sake of bettering my reputation or to just do good in general. I cannot recall a time with the mindset of doing good (especially small troublesome tasks) to glorify the Lord. It was all to glorify myself!

Of course, with a mindset like that, doing all the good in the world would not take me even one step closer to God. I'm glad that I was able to have such a reminder in the conversation on Thursday. With this in mind, I think I'll be able to sing on Sunday.

Take My Life and Let It Be Consecrated

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

camp eulogia

2009-07-19T18:40:00.003-04:00

this weekend, as a part of my job, i went to a summer retreat called camp eulogia. camp eulogia is a camp specially designed for those with special needs. it is also designed for the parents of those with a special child to learn more about how they can deal with different situations and such. this weekend has been such an eye-opening and blessed weekend. the Lord was with us always, never leaving us.

this weekend, i was assigned to a boy named victor. he's under 5 years old and he has extreme autism. i have previously worked with this boy before, so having some experience, i thought that working with him again was not a problem. however, it turned out that, for the whole weekend, he was one of the boys that acted up the most. running away from activities, delibrately doing things to get attention. hitting other counselors. sometimes, i really thought that he liked to push my buttons.

but. in reflection, im really glad that i was assigned to him. God has just taught me so many things. i only regret that i havent actively tried to show God's love to him. the Lord is good. and He will remain good. no matter how he decides to design us, each person is made according to his purpose. and everything that He makes is GOOD. definately. this weekend, victor showed me how to love. and even though, he was extremely difficult, i still love him alot. he definately showed me that love requires ALOT and ALOT and ALOT of patience. it also requires a lot of time and energy. thank you Lord for loving me first. to keep up with ME and how difficult i can be sometimes.

after this weekend, i think that the special needs ministry is definately a field i would like to pursue. i was also able to witness something really cool. and that is music therapy. music is a whole different language itself. it communicates to the heart. and seeing how the children really enjoyed the music sessions. i really want to research about this interesting field more. overall, the retreat was a blessing. i definately want to do this again and again and again. no matter how many mosquito bites i may get.

my God is so BIG!
so STRONG and so MIGHTY
theres NOTHING that He cannot do
The mountains are His
The valleys are His
The stars are his handywork too

all grown up

2009-07-11T15:23:00.002-04:00

so ive decided to start writing on my blog again.
it's funny because i've been on and off about blogging for a few years now.

heading into 2nd year university. im just reflecting on the different people you meet and how they change you. different ideas and opinions flow and intermingle. and in the end, im sure that you will change.

i feel that as you get older, there are more and more expectations and goals to fulfill. school, jobs, friendships, relationships and the such.

honestly. ive been living with the mindset of "someday" being a physiotherapist, fulfilling the mum role in a family and living in a house thats both comfortable and stylish.

but. what if i am unable to reach even ONE of these goals? what if my grades are too low? or what if i end up being single my whole life? or even, what if this is not what the Lord wants me to be? and of course, there are people who don't really mind living the "unpredictable" life. but as hard as i try, i just can't be like that. im sad to say, but, there IS a limit to my "carefreeness".

please break me down again.

wait

2009-01-13T20:40:00.002-05:00

strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord

our God, He reigns forever
our hope, our strong deliverer

You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God
You do not faint, You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles
Isaiah 40: 28- 31

sometimes. its really easy to say "what's a little wait?" He is the everlasting God. but. as soon as i look around and see the corruption, the sadness, and the brokenness. am i really able to wait upon the Lord?

father.
you are so strong. so strong that i dont even understand.
i am in no position to be before you.
yet, you show me forgiveness and grace.
give me strength, so that i may also defend the weak
give me love, so that i may also love and comfort others
give me patience for the day when you will come
i want to live eternally with you.

western love

2008-10-13T14:53:00.001-04:00

wow. its been two months since i last updated. and to be honest, so many things have happened during that time. but now im all nice and snug here in london. um. its been such a rollercoaster. i just met up with my friends yesterday. and i just realized how hard it was to let go. ive been here for 1 month and 2 weeks? and still. i cant help but tear up when i see my friends. i cant stop missing them. haha. its hard! im a person who gets attached too easily i guess.

anyways. its hard to believe, BUT, midterms are here. i know. UNBELIEVABLE. its insane. not panicking JUST yet. maybe i should be. haha.

dear God,
make me into a shining light
so that other people can feel Your warmth through me.
amen.

day one

2008-08-01T00:10:00.002-04:00

...today was such a busy day. wow. i came in expecting to do cash and i spent the whole day making pizza instead. i was really miserable..and it was probably better than i thought was..but i treated it like it was the worst... like..yeah..i kept on wanting to go home..so that didnt help. hahaha. but yeah. i made pizzas the whole day. and i met my work mates..and they really care for me. they taught me everything i needed to know..and yeah..just the closing that was really crappy...just all that clean up...so tiring..and yeah. but i was really blessed with just...being able to get a ride back home from andrea...the go bus would have made everything worse...but yeah. i have a day off tomorrow. and im really thankful for that. my manager is really nice..and she takes care of me. so yeah. ill die if i had to work tomorrow. which i dont.
p.s. hey you! if youre reading this. check your email. you know who you are. >=)

song of the day: viva la vida by coldplay

work

2008-07-30T19:22:00.003-04:00

wow. work really is hard. just so frustrating. you know. i really try to find the silver lining in everything.. but this is just RIDICULOUS. i give props to the people who really enjoy working at wonderland. like jeeez. really. well. today..in the morning. i was REALLY lucky..cause i got to board the bus for free. cause the bus driver was so nice to me. hehe. it was like..a detour bus too. so it was on markham and then suddenly it turned onto ellesmere. so im really blessed with that. and meeting abdi on the bus? that was REALLY fun...our trainer person..was REALLY scary though...i dont know..felt the attitude was really unnecessary..but hopefully..i wont get to see her too much. she was funny in the "cold" kind of way. being critical of everything..and she kept on calling "our generation" young and kept on saying things like "back in my day" ...like REALLY! how old ARE you? she didnt look any older than 30 years. but whatever.

and yeah. the ride back was EXTREMELY retarded....but im still thankful to my mum...kind of... like sometimes..she does the most FRUSTRATING of things...but its out of her big heart that she does it..and yeah...ill update you for tomorrow. have fun in scotland you big jerk. =)

lucky

2008-07-28T23:12:00.002-04:00

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

good news

2008-07-21T17:34:00.003-04:00

hahaha. hey! okay. so i havent written in 11 days. no big. i dont exactly remember what..i did in the past 11 days. but whatever. so today. i had my job interview with wonderland and i got the job. so yay. except. bussing is a KILLER. it takes 3 hours. and..i need to use BOTH ttc and yrt. so..crap. and guess what..it takes even LONGER than the greyhound to western. so i guess im getting a bit of practise everyday. haha. batman tomorrow. im so beyond excited ..wow ...it just took me 5 minutes to spell the word excited..cause i kept on spelling exicted..hahah. but yeah. im pretty excited for it. i heard the movie was SOOOOOOOOOO good. man. im excited. and i might be meeting a new friend. so thats..good? haha. OH. and me and em are living in...drum roll please...DELAWARE BABY! OH YEAH! our first choice. so all those people living in saugeen...MUHAHAHAHA. well..apparently..im not guaranteed it..if i dont pay the money by the due date..so..yeah..will pay soon. other than that..life has been normal. =)

western orientation

2008-07-10T15:49:00.002-04:00

okay. so. as you may know, i had a western orientation on monday and that was...wow. a rollercoaster. ive told like..SO much people over and over again so..it feels like a chore to say it again. haha. but i will.so um. woke up at 4:30 am. got onto car to coach terminal at 5 am. bought two greyhound tickets for me and mum at 5:30. waited in line for the 6:15 bus for like..1 hour..when the bus came at 7 am, it told us to go and wait for the EXPRESS bus at 8:30. so by this time. im getting to the point of where im almost frustrated. haha. and then i board the express bus to london. so only one stop in between. and yeah. i arrive at 11:30? ...figure out london transit stuff. by the time i get there, its already the end of lunch..which is like. DOT DOT DOT. yeah. i was..frustrated. but they gave me the welcome package stuffs and etc.
and the whole day was ..some small group stuff. everyone was from different places and ...different cultures. yeah. i was the only chinese person there. the rest of the people were like..white and..super athletic. haha. but. yeah. got a tour of western. and got my timetable done. and yeah. ride back home...was...very interesting. by that time, i was really homesick.

when we arrived back downtown, my mum took me out to eat down in chinatown. it was an interesting day. there were many times, in which i was really frustrated at my mum. like. she always seemed...to be really..slow. and..we were already late and...just. i dont know. there seems to be some communication problems between me and my mum. i just feel really uncomfortable when im talking to my mum for some reason. so i think i need to work on that. and i dont know. i seem to be so content. like that. so. wow. im a pretty horrible person. um yeah. my day was interesting.

um. other than that. the rest of the week was boring. i cant wait for fridays. really. haha. i enjoy seeing all my friends. and yeah. still jobless. =(

greek pastries

2008-07-06T20:52:00.002-04:00

so. today, i went up to markham and main street and we walked there. it was very..cute. like the houses very really old and really antiquey..and like..very..much like the victorian era. which i love. but yeah...it was pretty fun walking around. its my second time there, so, yeah. um. originally we were gonna crash this chocolate cafe there, but we went really late, like 4 :45 and stuff...so by the time we were there, it was closed and just..we wanted to grab some ice cream. but that was unsuccessful. so INSTEAD...my mum found this greek bakery in the corner and we went there and grabbed some sweets. there was like shortbread and like...rice pudding with cinnamon (everyone's favorite) and we bought something called a "baklava" or something like that. that was yummy too..but it was really sweet. and..yeah. that was my day overall.

tomorrow is..the western orientation..i have some serious butterflies in my stomach right now. im so extremely nervous..even though everyone says its..nothing..so. i dont know. and im still looking for a job...so. yeah. i have to wake up at 4:30 tomorrow morning. ...at least i can finish reading my new book? haha.

saaaave me

2008-07-05T22:48:00.002-04:00

haha. this week..has been really..eventful? kind of? well..no dido..so...ionno..but yeah. trying to figure out last minute stuffs and just...all the headache that comes along with it. yes. so. haha. what do i remember from..this week...yes. hahaha. i taught ie how to make lunch over the phone. note to self...NEVER do things with one hand..and never try to teach a boy how to cook over the phone. haha. but it was fun! his lunch..was more decent then mine. but..still fun. um. and then yesterday..i went downtown to try to grab some greyhound tickets..but i found out that...it was cheaper to buy it on the day of, soooo...yeah..went and bought some NEW BOOKS..which im gonna read...darn...im still reading narnia too. haha. but yeah...book sale..i find that..if i have money..i cant..not spend it. so..im bad. and THEN.

today i had my...job interview..which was PRETTY good..except for the fact that...i couldnt get the job cause i needed to work friday nights and sunday mornings...so..yeah. im not really upset really...cause i know that He will bless me with something greater..something for me. but..i dont know...im starting to worry...hahaha. yeah..but definately..didomi is that much more important. so. back to the square one i guess. yeah. church tomorrow. i REALLY REALLY dont want to go to summer sunday school...i like normal sunday school..but whatever. we shall see. oh. and i went bubble tea with ryan today. note to self...sesame milk tea with tapioca is a real rip off. i couldnt even TASTE the sesame. haha. alright. thats all for today

im a nerd

2008-07-02T21:29:00.002-04:00

haha. that was one of my old titles. i would like to correct that. im a GEEK. not a nerd. hahaha. but yeah. um. this week was...fun...i drove for the first time...yesterday...? or monday. i dont remember..lots of things happened. haha. yeah. um. it's fun. no didomi this friday. so...yeah. i have no plans for the week.

mhmm..western on monday. thatll be really interesting. um. i called up janine today and she taught me how to greyhound and take the transit over there. so it should be okay? im kind of scared. so prayers please. =)

man. i had so much things to talk about. but i forgot. i guess. yah. thats about it for my week. im in another contest again..which...i have no hope of winning. hahaa. so far im winning by 2 dollars and 18 cents...yeaaah. nice. BUT..if i do win..i wanna watch the dark knight. =) just a heads up. =)

first year uni night

2008-06-27T22:50:00.002-04:00

this week was...very interesting. francois and ie came over..so that was really fun. i had a really good time. i never have any friends over..so. im glad have some friends over. hahaha. i CANT believe we went to each floor and smelled..the smells? hahah. that was really funny. yeaaah. ill definately paint my walls and get comfier furniture in my future home. hahaha. but yeah. um..yesterday...we got a cat. so that..was...surprising. like i still don't really know what i feel towards having a cat...hes one and a half years old. and its orangey yellowy brown? but yeah. very cute. haha. like whenever i think about owning one and stuff it worries me. but whenever i see it...im actually pretty calm. oooh man. SO hungry...everyone is having dinner and i always think about snacks and stuff. so...arghhhhhhhhhhh. hungry. yes. its almost done..im done 24 hrs. so. =)

um. okay onto the main spectacle...the program for the night tonight...now. that was very interesting...it was kind of...random and it didnt really help...but ionno. they emphasized that...when you enter university, youll meet alot of new people and leave behind alot of old people. and i dont want this at all. like i have awesome friends in toronto that im trying to keep accountable with...and i just hope by the end of this summer...our accountablity will be strong enough. like no doubt ill make new friends and just live differently...but just the thought of leaving old friends behind. especially the ones that i just made new friends with..so...yeah. oh. and reflections on my famine so far? okay. since...ie and vivian arent standing in front of me...i will say it on my blog and they can yell at me later for it. (dont yell too much please)..but yes...i was feeling..very...faint...from singing and stuff. and my arms and stuff were all numbed and when i played the piano..my fingers kept on closing and stuff. yes...BUT! im okay now... ...shoot..i promised to sleep right after i got home. OKAY. im sleeping soon. promise. =)

but yeaaah. um. another item that stuck out for tonight. um. the topic of long distance relationships...my opinion? i dont...know. i think definately..its something really hard...like having to try to juggle your schedule and having to be lenient. it SOUNDS really hard. my cousin is in a long distance relationship and she talks to her boyfriend everyday...so i get a taste at first hand...about like...the amount of commitment and stuff. but...like..yeaaah...for me..im leaning towards the possible? like..i dont think that its IMPOSSIBLE...but just really really hard. and for someone as...irresponsible as me...im hoping...if i DO get into a long distance relationship..i hope my boyfriend can help to keep me accountable. and i think. theres definately...someone there. but ..i dont know whats gonna happen. and i dont know if i WANT TO get into a relationship...so..im just gonna give it up to Him and He can take care of it. =)

my thoughts for tonight.

shopping

2008-06-24T18:54:00.003-04:00

today was...fun. it was okay. not the thing i would spend my afternoon doing, but it was fun. it was worthwhile. i like all the chats and stuff we had. so today. for those who didnt know. i went to do some shopping with shannon and chris and other people. but they left or didnt shop with us. so whatever. and its fun? shopping with two guys who are super rich and leaving you to window shop with no money. haha. it was fun. definately...i would have to liked to spend the afternoon watching a movie or playing video games. but whatever. quality time with friends beat what i want to do anytime.

yeah. so. i go to school to check my marks...and then...i was waiting for jathniel for the LONGEST time..and in the end he didnt come. (...really aggravated at that.) so i just sat at a bench with ie until i had to leave. it was a good chat. i realized that itll very likely be my last time at aci before the summer ends. yeaaah. so i..subwayed and stuff...so when i got there, i was 1 hour early...so i actually waited for 1 hour. and then we subwayed down. overall...it was okay...like i had nothing to do anyways. it was good. i got to be closer to my closest buddies. i find that. even if we dont share the same interests, quality time with each other really...makes it a lot...better? hahaha. yeah. im pretty content. ...just need to figure out...whats happening TOMORROW. haha.

my cousin's grad AND a lunch party tomorrow? ...and my special dip is not really ready yet...=S hahaha. this will be interesting.

softball tournament

2008-06-22T23:32:00.002-04:00

okay. today was interesting. um. we had our softball tournament today. for those who didn't hear about this yet ;) haha. anyways. lots of interesting moments today. um. okay. so softball..we came out to play and..the first 20 minutes of playing was really interesting. the sky was COMPLETELY grey and there was THUNDER. so we had to stop the game and it started raining like CRAZY...then it started to HAIL. which FREAKED me out. im not...a big fan of lightning and hail. but GOOD thing there was a gazeebo. so all four teams of the tournament (ravens, sanctified (scac jr. teams), PT and alpha/omega) hid there. and it was very interesting. we sat there for like 1 hour..waiting for the rain to stop. and it was REALLY cold too. so...yeah..we ended up playing cards and stuff.

so today, i didnt want to stay for dinner so i tried calling my mum to pick me up..but it was not..successful. like her cellphone was charging. so i got a little frustrated at that. but whatever. i went for dinner and that was...okay. us three girls shared one cheesecake and everything was all good. yeaaah. everything dried up by 4:15 and we were back on the road to playing. and...let me tell you. that was so embarassing. just all the mistakes ive made today. haha. and i cant believe i got carded last year. but just things like. catching a ball and forgetting about people tagging up. like i caught it and felt amazed that i actually caught something and ...let two people score runs. yeah. things like that. and getting confused about running..and getting tagged for no reason. like. i guess im a little disappointed for forgetting. and stuff. but whatever. i got ...lots of exercise today. so im glad. just like overall i guess.

the thing i took away from today is that...softball can be really degrading. like...this year. im not..as into the softball ministry as i would usually be. but...i think im fine with that. like today. my friend came out to practice for the first time and she...ROCKED. she was AWESOME with throwing, catching and BATTING. wow. she pwned all the guys. but just like..one of our coaches was talking to her beside me..and he was like.."wow. youre so good. youre even better than sophy" and like. of course i "shrugged" that off. cause i could seriously care less. and she WAS better than me. but like...is this what softball at scac is all about? being good? like..cause im getting that vibe..and its seriously turning me off. like..i still dont know if he was just joking around or if he wasnt. but really..if he wasnt...then..why should i feel good about playing softball at scac? like..i dont really care about that stuff. my goal for this summer is to be more fit then ever. but like..even if i shrug this off..in some form..itll still affect me and my attitude to softball this summer.

so. this is probably nothing. im just a little upset. he was probably joking..but..i hope for the rest of the season that i will not hear comments of that sort ever again.

mhmm. yeah. i was a little upset about that for a while. but i got home and to my surprise my friend who is supposedly not allowed on the computer was on msn. =) so a chat with him made me feel a little better. thanks mr. lanks. =)

high school is doneee

2008-06-20T16:55:00.002-04:00

hey yall. so data is done and over with and...im officially done high school. wow. and summer...my long and awaited summer (not really. never really wanted summer to come) is here. and its...incredibly boring...lots of sitting around and lots of ...sitting around. funfunfun. OH! ive been watching alot of soccer nowadays. so thats...good. haha. yeaaah. really bored. so please call me if youre bored too. i like...surprise calls. haha.

yepp. ive been watching WAY too much of the office. now. im officially addicted. yepp. LOVE it. i watched like...10 episodes on tuesday? ...yeaaah...a bit crazy. haha. but its over...well not really..still need to finish season ten.

but. today i really had a strange day. cant say it was the strangest and cant say it wasnt strange. okay. i wake up...to hear my cousin tell me to answer the phone. so i do..and GUESS who picks up?...my DATA teacher...he emails me to inform me ...about how my data assignment doesnt make sense...yeah...AWKWARD...and im supposed to go to school before 10:30 to fix it up? anyways. i get the email at like 11...and i fix it up and send it back. hahaha. yeaaah. in the end i got like 80% for "having slight mistakes" hahaha.

and then..on the way to the bus...for a birthday party...and someone...approached me and asked me about the whereabouts of a mandarin restaurant nearby with CANTONESE...but he was indian. first impressions...? hes really...impressive. way...better then my own chinese...so i just answered in english that i didnt know ...about a mandarin restaurant..and i think he was disappointed i didnt answer back in cantonese...hahah. and then...got there. i was late. and...we barbequed..except..the chicken was still raw...so i proceeded to make fish and beef balls on a kabob...pretty filling. then we took pictures...and i was the first one to leave.

yeah...kind of wish. i fit in a little more better. like the whole time i was talking to josephine...and i get the vibe as in...i dont fit in...as well. and it sucks..cause...i know...i have to keep strong ties with them...and hopefully God can use me as a vessel to just bring them to Him. but. like..my attitude today. was just very...bad. i had...no love at all. and now that im thinking about it. its not acceptable. and i just feel so selfish now. so hopefully. i could have a second chance. cause i dont think facebook and msn cut it. so. we'll see how He provides.

anyways. i was the first one to leave. and i kept on using soccer as an excuse to go. like ..."oh. i dont wanna miss the game" (yeaaaah. i came home like 45 minutes after the game started...and they ended up at 0-0...so....) just stupid stuff like that. and on the bus...there was this...indian man that talked to me about ...my life? like he just asked me ..which school i go to...how old am i? where am i going etc? and...these questions..sound kind of sketched...but really...i think he was just being really nice. like he was a new immigrant or whatever..and just wanted to have conversations..like he didnt even ask me where i lived and stuff...but i freaked out? so...i tried to avoid him the rest of the bus ride..but he kept on talking to me..until he left and said goodbye to another person on the bus?

i dont know. today was a strange day..full of strangers talking to me and...the birthday party. i dont know. i think for the strangers thing. just...the mentality i was brought up with..of how..im supposed to be and feel when a random stranger approaches me. and im not telling you to talk to random strangers on the bus...but strangers arent bad. and i hate how i was taught to "avoid" a stranger when they approach me. ...just...and the birthday party? how..i was so closed and i didnt want to join in with the festivities and stuff?

bottom line: i think today..i learned that i need to be a way more accommodating and way more open...to everyone around me .

one more!

2008-06-16T17:33:00.001-04:00

history is DONEDONEDONE! whooooooo.
haha. lets just hope i GET that borderline pass...hahaha...as if i knew anything about thomas hobbes. ...ill be lucky to...even get marks on that section....=S
anyways. data is on wednesday...so today im gonna fully RELAX.
and watch a million episodes of the office.
haha. come join the party.

prom/piano competition

2008-06-14T19:37:00.003-04:00

whoa. cant believe. even prom is over with. haha. just exams left and its done. haha. wow. and this summer is gonna be over real fast too. wow guys. hong kong and scotland? ill be pretty lonely here in toronto. haha.

um. okay. so a summary on prom. i guess. first off. lets see. okay i went to school for earthandspace to finish yearbooks and etc. then went to stc...to do some last minute shopping. then went to get my hair done at aunties house...then makeup then im off...at first. i was SUPER iffy about my dress...cause i thought it was really really too plain. but its...okay? i still dont love it. but whatever. anyways. limo and lots of pictures. the limo was fun. we got a free upgrade...so we had ten people in a 14 sitter. and when we went back...it was 8 people cause 2 people didnt want to come with us.

anyways. two things i remember about prom was that it was FREEZING cold and my feet hurt like crazy. haha. but yeah. now..i kind of wish i brought someone...just cause my table was so boring...everyone had their "other halves" with them...so i was just sitting there alone...not talking to anyone. i actually kind of wish i brought someone but whatever. the food was okay. and yeah. it was an okay night. i got to take lots of pics and stuff. and i wore my contacts...except my contacts were kind of old..so everything 10 meters away and beyond were super blurry. haha. the dancing part...ionno. i never really liked dancing..unless im by myself or with my sis. haha. but yeah. that...was interesting...ask me in person if you really wanna know.

but yeah. went home and it was all good. woke up SUPER early today to practice...my mum couldnt come with me cause she had a sudden job...and...yeah...asked ie...but he couldnt make it either. so i went by myself. i actually prefer going by myself...less pressure? haha. but yeah. um..the duet was ABSOLUTELY horrible. wow. all the missed notes. i was like..really disappointed..but like..somehow we got a placing...so..whatever. haha. im pretty sure we dont have gold. so if a miracle happens. silver!! haha. but yeah. it was good. i liked going by myself. you could really have good convos on the phone without anyone listening. haha. ;)

and trip back home was horrible. not going to say what happened. but i learned...to never lie. i was stupid today. and i think i deserved what happened. but yeah. then babysitting. wow. i have never been so tired in my life. those three hours were LONG. but its over and the rest of the night is mine..for "studying" darn. missed the soccer games today.

last day of high school

2008-06-12T21:00:00.001-04:00

last day of high school.
i really really had a good time.
i got to spend lots of time with mr. lanks =)
so im super happy.
prom tomorrow. exams monday and wednesday.

and its done.

stupid piano

2008-06-11T19:26:00.003-04:00

i went to piano class today. to practice for my duet and my piano length of study. let me tell you....i had the worst piano class ever. i had to stay like 45 minutes over..and it was still bad. alot of that was practicing with my partner...but when we performed it. we sucked. and then i played my piano length of study and the teacher kept on telling me i had played this one part wrong. so i kept on playing it and i still couldnt get it. so frustrated right now.

i practiced so hard too. =( stupid piano.
and tomorrow is the "last" day of school. stupid time. haha.

hot hot hot!

2008-06-08T21:29:00.002-04:00

its so. hot. haha.
my weekend has been...pretty...normal? boring? saturday was boring. i practised piano for next week, and did some babysitting. i was pretty drained by saturday night. but i had a good convo on ceiling fans. haha. that was fun.

and then today. came back from church and worked on my earthandspace summative. SO boring. we changed our topic like 50 times. but..yeah. went to agincourt library to work on it...and lalala. haha. and then i tried to watch the office...but then it was so laggy. and that was my day. boring. haha.

tomorrow starts my last week of high school. =/ i hope..itll be good.

carnival and summer olympics

2008-06-06T23:34:00.002-04:00

very very tiring day today. but lots to talk about.
so today was carnival...and that was fun. our council (computer council) did the rock,paper and scissors thing with water? that was REALLY fun. except i got TOTALLY soaked, cause i was wearing jeans and ...played like 532432 times. haha. but it was fun. and to ie. im sorry i got you wet...where you got wet. haha. no worries. i was pretty wet there too. haha. anyways. skipped last period and went home. (oh. and i skipped the part about being really...not good at the balance thing..and making a fool out of my self) but it was pretty exhausting already. i didnt feel so well because of the sun or the heat or whatever. and my throat was already killing.

and when i got home, to my delight, i found out that we had a mouse running around the house...and that was pretty bad...the house was REALLY tense...everyone was tense...except for me...haha. but yeah. i found out that...like RIGHT now...that we are going to have a cat...even if my mum doesnt want one? auntie alice's sister (my mums friends sister) has a cat that she doesnt want...so yeah...along with 7 people living in a house...we are going to own a cat...super plan. haha.

yeah. then didomi. oh. and a good convo in between that. but summer olympics. lots of fun. adding on to the exhaustion though. we played the water game outside first, and...(oh btw. GO TEAM 4!) that was REALLY fun. well...it was okay. the shoulder thing was ... hahaha....but it was fun overall. i liked my team. we are cool. and then we went to the human foosball with ie's team. EVEN though we didnt win, it was pretty fun. i was goalie...for the beginning...but...i let like 50 balls in the goal. so. haha. yeah...switched with caleb. and...it was very fun. except...i got squirt a WHOLE lot of times. but yeah. just like to say sorry to ie and conan...for kicking them like 132149 times. haha. and then the last one was bodyworship. that was ACTUALLY pretty good! except...we didnt follow our plans. but ours was really sucessful in the end. everyone did wondergirls and...i didnt. just waved. haha. but yeah...in the end. our team WON...for a whole bunch of...good qualities we showed that night.

i had a good day today. my arm hurts...from something i did today...when i bend it...it hurts a bit. =( tomorrows gonna be a busy day...kind of. piano lessons AGAIN and babysitting. ...ah well. last week of high school. seriously have to enjoy it.

limo booked!

2008-06-04T17:52:00.002-04:00

we got a limo!!! yay! good thing i went with josephine. =)
we got a limo...soo...yeah...

and actually. just to update. it is actually a better day today. =)

blahhh

2008-06-04T00:47:00.002-04:00

almost done my english summative. its actually pretty good. im doing it in good time, considering how...i started...today. haha. um yeah. just currently lots of things on my mind right now. im not really sure whos reading. so..if you DONT know what im saying..please carry on with your life...cause...this is going to be the stupidest rant right now. in fact. feel free to close this window right now. haha.

rant. starting....now. today...ive been approached by some classmates of mine. saying some really stupid stuff. and basically. its like...i feel like..i did something that i feel responsible for...even though im probably not. and as a result...i guess i wont be able to talk to this person alot. that really really makes me upset. cause. i just didnt think through stuff and went ahead with it and just did it. itll probably be better by tomorrow. but as of right now...im not feeling too cool.

oh by the way. i got facebook. so feel free to add me.

accent on agincourt

2008-06-01T22:54:00.002-04:00

haha. dont know if i had actually made an accent on agincourt. i definately enjoyed the days. im listening to slavonic dances right now...hahah..I FORGOT TO SHAKE on the D! grrr...hahah. i guess ie was the only one that did it and maybe henry.

but. ah. the good times. i heard the BEGINNING of it and im starting to feel very sad. im going to miss aci music and especially the bass section VERY much. it was fun times...haha. half the time you guys were goofing off and i was telling you to shut up. but very fun. with starting our staring contest thing (ill pwn you ie. ;) ) and haha. just lots of fun. im gonna miss the bass so very much. and pavane is playing...im feeling..really sad now. it has been really fun. i remember when i was playing and even practising...i always mess up the counting...but then theres always someone whispering 1, 2, 3,4 (i wonder who? ;) ) and it got me back in sync. haha. and OH! i remember the concert night. when i forgot my music and so i was sandwiched between henry and ie and ie DIDNT button his jacket buttons for the arm sleeve thing..SO WHENEVER he vibratoed...it was like JINGLING in my ear...SO distracting. haha. and of course. arjan with his very funny and random and sometimes very mean things to say. but very funny. AND also stealing people's chair because he doesnt have one. AND his so called concussion (hahaha) OH and his star wars psp. who can forget that? haha.

haha. i met some very weird guys, but cool guys this year. HAHA. listening to jesu....and YES. it was the ending of the it crowd's first episode of the first season. this year....was very strange. orchestra was def. one of the things that made my year. =) keep playing the bass guys. =)

lots of love from your fellow bass player s2

ironman

2008-05-31T17:27:00.002-04:00

went to see ironman today. let me just say that...it was...okay. hahha. like. i cant say that it was the BEST MOVIE ive ever watched...cause it wasnt. hahaha. dodgeball and perhaps zoolander remains my favorite movie(s). yeah. im super lame. but ironman wasnt bad. like the graphics and the stuffs were actually pretty good. maybe a bit more action and more development on the plot. but it was fun. hahaha. at least we watched the ending...hahaha. i didnt really get it...but thats why ie is there...to explain it to me. hahah. it was fun. when we got there it was like RIGHT before the movie started right? like 2 minutes or something...so we asked how much seats were left and there was ALOT. so we went and we actually didnt miss anything. AND we had good seats too!

like you know how there are these commercials in the beginning? i actually enjoy watching those, like the previews to the movies? i like them. haha. yeah! i wanna watch the batman movie so BAD now. SO bad! gotta get a job first of course. =P um...but there are some pretty funny movies coming out...so. ... wow. i wanna watch alot of movies. haha. but ironman was my first in ....3 months? so...im guessing the next time would be september. haha. ill delibrately come back to toronto to watch a movie. =) aite. those reading this (=D) call me up september 1st. haha. we need to go watch a movie

oh! and taking the bus back home WAS pretty fun too. haha. 3 buses passed us! so we were waiting FOR A WHILE. oh btw. im having chips right now (YAY! partay!) AND its really good in honey and garlic ...honey...haha. its SO good.

yepp. overall...it was a good day. im booked for the next few weeks...so...im really glad i got to do something fun today. =)

asdf (haha)

2008-05-31T00:45:00.002-04:00

hey yall.
havent updated in a while. haha. well. now i guess i have a little motivation. ;P but yeah. this past month was REALLY fun. just with ottawa and concerts and didomi and music banquet and lots more. its just been pure fun.

yeah. so i guess in a few weeks time comes graduation. noooo. im actually...not feeling very good about this. im ACTUALLY starting to feel a little sad...yes...i KNOW its unbelievable...but i guess i kind of miss agincourt already. i was walking around the school today...yes..i skipped data........im sorry. hahaha. but yeah. we were talking...and hes like...oh...you better enjoy it before it goes away and stuff. so. this summer. im gonna enjoy myself SO much that...yeah! im gonna drown in my enjoyment! haha.

thats it for now. watching iron man tomorrow... excited? YES!

centre

2008-05-14T16:25:00.001-04:00

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in his wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His
glory and grace

admission to western

2008-05-10T12:50:00.002-04:00

hey. so as some of you know, ive been accepted at western. haha. yay?
yeah. just. writing cuase im actually really...unsure if i should go or not. of course at least 50 peoples came up to me and congratulated me...it would really suck if i decided to stay back. well...its not like i WANT to stay back. trust me, im so ready to leave high school and just go to university. and its so insane, cause western (kine) is my first choice. so im really...stuck.

ive really been slacking off lately...so i dont know if my marks will cut it. ive just declined guelph-humber as we speak. so i dont know. like. i think the only thing thats holding me up is the financial stuff. everyday...its talk about money. and honestly, i basically...dont care about that stuff. i dont put my worries on that. but like. now i feel like i do. and whenever i talk about it. i get so ridiculously defensive. i was just talking to my mum about it. and i got angry at her. yeah. im so ridiculously proud that its stupid. im so uncool.
and like. there are so much other problems and stuff. i feel like. i cant leave just yet.

darn. why did western accept me? haha.

prayer

2008-05-03T11:08:00.001-04:00

Lord,

I believe a little

Help me believe a more.

discussion night

2008-04-26T14:43:00.002-04:00

mhmm. just a reflection of yesterday night. and recap for my homeslice. :)
but um yeah. i guess. i was supposed to be in charge of the night, but the counselors were and stuff. so i only had to be in charge of leading a devo.

so yeah. i was waiting for them like FOREVER. and then they were like...err...sophy...we KIND of need you to do your devos sharing now. so i did. and i RUSHED IT. and it was the randomest devo ever. it seems like i made it on the spot. but...actually...i had to think about it. ahaha. i actually wrote...all of it down and stuff. but yeah.
for devos. i dont know if people find them relevant or not. i dont know. i really. hope to create an impact with devos, but it seems like people dont care or its just not relevant. or my life is just not interesting enough. but okay. ill try harder. and ill try harder to RESTART prayer meeting. oh man.

but anyways. yeah. they arrive at EIGHT OH FIVE. and then i had to pull them in the room cause they were so late. and then. yeah. worship was great. i liked it. chap on drums was great. :)

but yeah, after that. we had discussion and it was the most RANDOM night ive ever been to. half the time i was engaged in debate and the other half i was either talking to francois, ie or branson. yeah. and at the end. we just talked about random stuff. and then in the sanctuary, i was sitting with ie and francois and THEN jennifer came and started talking to ie. it was kind of cute. :P but other than that. yeah. that was basically the night.

the randomest dido night ive ever been to. at least it wasnt clean up. then thatll be pretty bad. ahaha. ie comes to church to clean up! but yeah. on a slideshow they played during announcements to promote this kids camp, they played ON FIRE BY SWITCHFOOT! oh MAN
i almost forgot this song. but yeah. it was really fun yesterday.

cant wait for prayer night next week. :)

ah well

2008-04-20T18:35:00.003-04:00

yeah. so. today. my mom came up to me and just started talking to me about staying back and university and stuff.
she told me that she thought it was okay that i was staying back a year and stuff, but she only said it to tell me to apply to more "local" places.
yeah. like. my worst dream is actually coming alive. its like. what if i actually can't go to university? (bye bye western!)
so...now what?
yeah. and like. she knows that i dont like going to UT or ryerson, york or whatever. but she still kept on pressing me to apply there and stuff. which i didnt this year.
but. yeah. she knows that i really want to move out.
and she says that most people just end up going home after first year. okay. i think. i can guarantee that i wont come back home after first year.
cause i dont think im that weak. like no offense to family, friends. but i really do want to get out of toronto. the only thing holding me back is my really really unattachable attachment to scac.
its been pretty amazing times.
but yeah.

so, for next year. ill probably be staying in toronto...which is like. really. frustrating me. cause the whole entire world is NOT just toronto, i dont want to be this academic nerd studying down at UT (no offense to people going)
oh man. i wish a million dollars would just FALL down from the sky
cause this cant get anymore unreal.

update

2008-04-15T18:47:00.001-04:00

okay. i havent been on this blogger for a while cause actually, ive been on xanga. but okay. yeah. thats my update

been really sick lately, just really frustrated because it seems like such a bad time to get sick, through a bio midterm and through vocal. im really. just dying here.
but yeah. the bio midterm. dont really want to talk about it.
its bad.

i think. ive been talking to people. and it seems like. they've planned out their futures, they already know where they wanna do, where they want to live, where they want to move. and it seems like. im the only one that doesnt really know what i want for myself. sure. moving to indonesia may seem real cool. but. i dont know. i hate my indecisiveness.
cause. for me. im just a person who doesnt think through things, im someone that does things just because it seems really cool to me. like sure. to some people, indonesia is not the ideal moving spot. but yeah. and im not really sure if i want to advance to postsecondary or not. just so many decisions.

anyway...what do you guys think of banff? haha.

for Your love to define us

2008-03-30T23:39:00.003-04:00

several things on my mind.
so ill just list them

1) starfield cd
is pure love. i think. i really enjoy this one, its just really. nice in which the lyrics are so amazing and true. for Your love to define us. doesnt that just stir something in you. i got it for 13 bucks a few days before it officially came out. im a lucky duck. i think ill take a lot longer to savour and go through the lyrics. its really. soothing and very real, how amazing our God is. i just feel like, how can you write about God's amazingness in a few songs. of course these songs, dont cover it. but i thought the lyrics were very well done. very personal, very close. its so worth your 15/13 bucks.

2) western
has been such an amazing experience. i went with em and jon and adrienne. as for me and em and jon, i think we all brought back something that was really personal to us. something we had learned there. i cant type my whole experience and my emotions and my complete thoughts. but a review and a chat after might be close enough.
okay. as jon did a schedule, ill do one too. =D thanks jon for the idea.

FRIDAY!
8:30 AM : am i forgetting anything? snacks, pjs, toiletries, sleeping bag. OKAY! time for school
2 PM: okay. history teacher isnt here, student teacher doesnt care if we leave...oh...ryan...HELLO! ill stay to watch this british comedy about the french rev. (it was actually good. i had a few laughs) rowan atkinson and hugh laurie. awesome.
3 PM: CRAP. i have to get to school in 15 minutes. ill somehow WALK to church in 15 minutes. holding a humongous sleeping bag (sheppard to finch-ish)...oooh hey...iain. walked iain home, found out where he lives...=DDDD...pranking time!
almost to finch, mud puddles everywhere...OH MY GOODNESS
3:50: pant..pant...okay. got there...HELLO...everyone was waiting...quick washroom break, and off we are
5: CRAP! hit rush hour...should have known better than to walk.
7:15: WESTERN!!!!!! woot. the car ride was pretty good. a little nap along the way, jon still talking to adrienne. but walking to ACF. incredibly nervous.
7: 20: settled in. pnp. great. some sharing. acf. you can definately feel the love and family and community. its so amazing. the love, you can see it and feel it. and just so welcoming and caring. something ive really been looking and working for at scac.
10:20: announcements for like 45 minutes. i like announcements. and i guess, so does everyone else.
10:55 KRABBYS...been annoying jon about what it was. (sorry!) when we got there, very cozy. me, em and jon got a krabby combo. the "starters" are half price. SWEET. then...adrienne stole our bill. apparently thats the trend at western. stealing other people's bills
2 AM: at number 8. tiff's and pris' house. cozy. MAD COZY. "i want to move in" cozy. seems so fun. and independent. something ive really been looking for.
2:30: jon moved in at chris' at 104..? and me and em and tiff did some sharing. =) missed you tiff!
4: gnite!

SATURDAY!
9AM: woke up when tiff was walking around, jon just came over.
10: got ready and toured the place. western. is very. interesting. def considering delaware and i sucessfully convinced jon that medsyd was a sketchy rez.
11: toured the other houses, each room of each indiv. is very special to them. even the guys. i wonder how my room will look like =D
12 PM ish: went for lunch. not sure the time. but went to BKs, middle eastern food. yummm. chicken shwarma. at first actually. i was still not full. but ppl said to stock up on space for marbleslab
1: marbleslab is the most amazing ice cream shop. got birthday cake with rocky road and gummy bears. best 5.60 ive ever spent. it was great.
2-3: adrienne's front left tire was .....deflated. oh noes. went to several gas station to get it filled. everyone was swarming to help. you can really feel the love for each other.
5-6: home!

FINAL REFLECTIONS.
- this weekend has been just so eye opening. it seems like. everyone has really changed or rather, discovered themselves. i mean frankly. tim lee. actually talked. haha. its amazing things like that. people help each other and share with each other their amazing testimonies. one of them. i remember. she actually came to christ through the acf there and she shared something like. she had heard this from someone else. but their goal was to pray that a non-christian would become christian every week. is that amazing or what? that these uni. students would have that kind of a passion and goal to pray for that
- i feel like. ive left my heart at western and i need to go to pick it up. hahah.
love it there. its very very nice
- i think. a reoccuring theme for the weekend is putting Christ as the centre of my life. ill put Him there. and ill strive for this God-centered relationship before anything else. i want to have a pure and true craving for a christ.
- a good weekend spent.

incredible

2008-03-25T19:33:00.002-04:00

frustration.
i feel like im talking to a stupid brick wall
im trying to get you to understand me over and over again
can you just THINK
and understand my frustration?

each time i talk to you, you make me even more frustrated
you make me feel like i should get out and just stop what im doing

is that what we are really here for?
to get frustrated with each other?!
no. its not.
but i just cant seem. to get over this obstacle.

growing up

2008-03-18T22:21:00.002-04:00

these two weeks, has been just ...great.
i think ive finally started to grow up
haha. its so great that, everything this year has really started to fall into place
so i feel like, im able to trust again
i really. want. to grow and become bigger, and let people in.

and of course. i really want. to learn to see.
theres this person, whos been praying for me and talking to me
and asking me how my week was, despite his busy week too
and. i didnt really know. but ive just started to see that. he is probably my most accountable accountability partner.
and.
all this time. i was so oblivious and i didnt even thank him for it, didnt even realize it
but all this time, i realize that. i really needed him to check up on me,
because ill never check up on myself.

do you have a good accountability partner you should thank?
make sure you thank this person lots, if you do.
because, they affect you more than you think.

wintercamp 08

2008-03-14T23:18:00.002-04:00

i kind of. shut myself about talking about winter camp, cause a good friend didnt go and i didnt want to talk about it. but in reality. i do want to talk about it. i want to tell the whole world my amazing experience. i guess the world wide web is a start.

wintercamp08 was such a moving, amazing, touching, transforming, indescribable and precious, very precious thing. i cant get it back. but i remember it. so clearly that i miss it so much. winter camp was a transforming experience for me. also a bit of a wake up call as well. everyone was so supportive. and im beyond glad that breaking the ice was our theme.

i think. i truly broke my first layer, for myself. of course, you guys knowing me, i have no problem breaking the ice with other people. but for myself. i think. i realize how much I barricaded myself from...myself. i cant really describe it. but. once that layer was opened. i realized how much i was hurting and how burdened i was. my mind was telling my body that, its okay. youre really happy. but really. my body and my heart is starting to give out and cry out.

im not really sure what is burdening me, but im so glad i found out. i realize that, even though i seem like a person with endless smiles, im actually really sad inside. im a sad person.

but just. some people, have transforming powers. when we were sharing with our small groups about the ten things that question us. the ten questions. it was so weird. bernard, he came to me and said...what are you missing in your life. and i said. i couldnt see God...at all. and when we were praying. i just started to cry. i think my mind finally realized that im really burdened and need to slow down and i just miss God so much. its kind of like, you dont see your family or friends for a LONG time. i miss Him so so so much.

of course, winter camp doesnt end on a sad note. there are so much happy things. winter camp was happiness for me that weekend. just the bonding and the sharing and worship. omygoodness. our jam session. was unforgettable. it was so simple, but so powerful. just reminds me that i was made to worship. and i was made to show the awesomeness of worship.

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be

thanks for all the memories. im so glad. to have experienced such a great winter camp.

Pre-March Break

2008-03-03T23:48:00.002-05:00

so much things to do.
i cant wait till friday 3:01 seriously.
im so tired and its just monday, oh wells, at least i dont have to go nightschool wednesday
anyways.
just an update.
i need to finish my supp. forms.
i forgot about them...HAHA.
yeah...
anyways. thats it for now.
12s, can we PLEASE do something this marchbreak.
we are so...outing deprived.
you guys are extremely boring.
how are you going to SURVIVE in university. geez guys. i WORRY for you! lets get out and do something. it hurts when people say "thats the first time i saw your grade hang out together."
thats just DISGRACEFUL. this marchbreak. is going to be our last!

btw. shannon still owes me a hot chocolate drink with whipped cream and chocolate shavings on top. :)

jeepers my meepers!

2008-02-26T22:24:00.002-05:00

went to read david's blog yesterday. havent done that in a while, we must chat david!
hehe. i really like your opinions on whatever cbc writes. maybe i should sign up for a subscription kind of thing too.
yeah. i think, as a person, im really way too passive. i just let things pass, whoever says, goes. and i think if we dont constantly challenge our norms, society will just become lazy. i think, reading the newspaper daily is a good idea. just cause, basically everything written down is a bias, and if we just read it and accept it, youre just accepting someone elses bias without thinking about it. we should become active people, not just physically, but mentally as well.

i know for me, i dont tend to think very deep, but thats why im gonna try to think about everything now. cause just because someone in the newspaper says its right, doesnt mean its right. i think people just dont put EVERYTHING into context. like its important to see things in the long term as well.

anyways. ive started to pick up chess...(bring it on david!!! haha) its really fun. of course. im not good at it. my friend beats me EVERYTIME and weve picked it up at around the same time. darn. sometimes. i wish. i was more of a visual learner. cause. like. then i could put up everything so much faster. but ill keep on playing, i want to say checkmate by the time schools over.

oh. and just cause i mentioned school, i actually took a full course load for next year, so just in case i stay back i dont have to reregister. of course. i still want to go to uni. but i think. im open and im okay with whatever happens next year.

relaxed

2008-02-16T14:16:00.002-05:00

i think. from now on, ill try to be more relaxed and not so pressed. i know im alot more relaxed compared to alot of other people but, i want to be FULLY relaxed. im reading this book called "the essence of slow" or something like that. and it really emphasizes doing stuff slow. and basically. as relaxed as i am. i always feel like i need to keep up. the thing i hate most are deadlines. esp. time sensitive ones. so. from now on, im gonna try to just be relaxed. do whatever I want and not let the time effect me. of course, ill follow deadlines too, but, yeah. a relaxed lifestyle

anyways, kb yesterday. crazy fun. i love 1. meat and 2. friends. so yesterday was the best night ever. except for the fact that EVERYONE brought their boyfriends, so LOTS of introducing and stuff like that. it didnt bother me too much, but there were some awkward moments. but over all it was fun. lots of gas today. haha.

coffeehouse. i actually missed half of it cause of kb. but it sounded good too. yesterday. i guess the theme was your plan vs. God's plan. and i guess. it was good. i realize that. even though i THINK i dont plan ahead, i actually do. so im gonna try to not plan so much. and let God just lead me. i think its really amazing, those kind of people that live on God's guiding alone. its so hard, those are the kind of people who just dont worry. they dont worry for their next meal or the next day, they give it to God. and thats something i want to strive for.

song of the day : in His time =)

valentines day's oranges

2008-02-15T00:38:00.003-05:00

was the title i had last year or so..i believe. i dont even know why...but happy valentines day.
i received a singing telegram and a box of chocolates today...from who? s-e-c-r-e-t-...but...im glad for the gifts!

but. PEOPLE. valentines day is about LOVE, and even though im glad for the gifts, people forget the love. its not only love between two people, but love for EVERYONE too! thats why mr. valentines did what he did! because he wanted to spread love amongst everyone! its quite strange what industrialization does to this world. one single message could potentially twist the meaning of the real message.

main message: study history, its SO good. =)
nine percent raise in history, BOO YAH!

frustrated

2008-02-12T00:43:00.000-05:00

do people even THINK these days?! like seriously.
i am beyond, BEYOND frustrated.
ive tried to be patient, i've tried to remember.
but somehow i just end up getting frustrated. and i shouldnt. i should have a clear head.
thinking back, what was our main theme for our fellowship
teens for christ.
i know we had our differences in opinions and differences in doing things, but when it comes to commitment. why does it seem like i always have to take this load?
why am i always the one constantly reminding you about our vision?
makes me wonder why im put in this position. ive got enough stuff to handle

angry

2008-02-07T00:19:00.000-05:00

angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry
angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry
angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry
angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry!

angry!

reread

2008-02-03T00:19:00.000-05:00

yeah. i just took some time to reread the august 2005 blogs. its amazing. you can read it and tell how much a persons grown. haha. of course. ill always be crazy and spazzy at heart...but me two years ago...i was pretty...crazy...of course. as time passes, the person grows and its finally grade 12 and i really hope ive grown mentally, emotionally and spiritually. so much things have happen. and it makes me sad that we have so little time left, but at the same time...it makes me love you guys so much more. =)

yeah...over this...week..ive been talking to a friend...about relationships and stuff. really and honestly, i think...feelings are such trivial things. its very confusing, and you dont really know how to react to it. i think. as for right now. im not really looking for a relationship. i think right now...my only love is music. but i think that even though relationships maybe troublesome...its better when you have two people singing a song rather then just one person by themselves. music sounds nicer with two.

exams over!

2008-01-30T22:21:00.000-05:00

finally. studied my butt off for these stupid idiotic things. yeah. im gonna sleep early. my eyes are like drooping, i havent gotten much sleep over this week. yikes. but it really paid off i guess. im really confident on the exsci and earthspace, two exams i was DREADING. i studied extra hard for them and in the end, i overstudied. and btw. YES. there is such thing as overstudying...so dont say that theres no such thing. im kinda cranky from the lack of sleep.

btw. right back to you by arashi is really good. watch it on youtube. its really cool. =)

Step n Go by Arashi

2008-01-29T21:18:00.001-05:00

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

early acceptance

2008-01-27T22:54:00.000-05:00

....are TWO WORDS i NEVER want to hear again! man. i know ppl at scac were smart...but NOT this smart. anyways. i dont care if i get...EA. which i wont. still. i never ever want to hear those two words ever again. they play tricks on you!!! haha.

yes. cant believe it. its finally the time of the year where everyone is competing against each other! ayah! and its kind of ironic today in sunday school class we learned about "do no worry" and its kinda weird, but its true. i was worrying! and when it came to really thinking about it. i was worrying like crazy. when everyone said that they got early acceptance...i was really getting kinda worried and maybe...just maybe a little jealous. but. this experience has been kind of good. itll put my trust to the test. and so ill really strive to not worry and just let God do the rest.

yosh. im gonna study my absolute hardest! and work my absolute hardest! i borrowed the bass from becky to practise and OH MAN! my middle finger has a blister.! yikes! it hurts! grrr! stupid hard strings! haha.

exam time!

2008-01-24T12:26:00.000-05:00

hey guys! its officially make-it-or-break it week. that's right, exams. and so far. i "broke" my data exam...oh man...i made up the WHOLE last page...i mean...expected values? pshhh...did we even learn that? yeah. three more. i actually dont have school today and monday, so msg me online if youre available. i love company.

so on tuesday, we had madrigals...and it was the last practise before exams. and we are planning on going to the nationals this year....ROAD TRIP! whooo! yeah. but mr. pinhorn (our vocal teacher) was talking about how the guys...had gotten so good after four years and then they are just going to go away and probably not sing in a choir again. and then...right then...there was a guy sitting behind me, and he was like...NOOOO! and he was real close to tears. and ...then. i started thinking about it and i was surprised at how close to tears i was myself. of course. i hate being a crybaby. but its real sad. we've gotten to know each other so well...my friends at aci and scac. and now we are going our separate ways. maybe thats good. but i just cant seem to think good of it. im just so used to saying "hey you!" during the breaks between periods, or just chilling every friday. everyone i've met and gotten close to, ive put so much love into these friendships and relationships. and now...i guess...its time to put this love to the test. despite these long distances, ill still be tight with you guys.

we might not talk to each other that much anymore. but thats okay. why? idontknow. i can't answer that just yet. but what i do know is that, if people are truly friends, you'll naturally meet again and talk. just let the "wind" do the work.

as for winter camp worship, i dont know. to be honest, im actually quite relaxed and worried at the same time. i love to be last minute and i just like to go with the flow. i know im like the one in a million that feels that way, but i think that way, God can truly show Himself. if we plan everything like..."this has to be this way and that has to be that way" i dont think its as effective. of course. thats just my opinion. God will show Himself everywhere. of course, i think that doesn't go just for worship, it goes with lots of other things, like your schedules and planning fellowships. ;) i think. sometimes. i might come off as a little airheaded. but i assure you. im not. im just a person that prioritizes...weirdly. i might look incapable. but if i put my heart to it...i can do it. so i just hope that everyone can give me a chance to show myself.

smokin hot

2008-01-14T22:19:00.000-05:00

oooh mamaaa

starfield is releasing their THIRD album march2508! I CANNOT WAIT! oh mans. their version of hosanna is really good. i really like it. jon harmonzing at the back. =). yay! haha. go on their myspace or livejournal or whatever it is and check it out. full version. =)

sneak preview of arashis 21st single!!! it was on ohno's radio show! yay! but when he speaks it doesnt even sound like him. i actually found all their radio shows.

nino - BayStorm
matsujun - Jun Style
ohno - Arashi Discovery
sho - Sho Beat
aiba s2 - Aiba Masaki no Rekomen!

for aibas. i know he likes to read emails from his fans all over the world. its really funny. he doesnt believe he has fans all over the world but people from france and brazil like arashi...which they do! im gonna try to write to aiba too. hes my most fav from arashi. :)

lastly. heysayjump is still smokin hot btw. =)

p.s. got my g1 CARD. omg. so gay. i didnt know we could smile. cause then for my passport picture i couldnt...so...what the heck. i look like i belong to the mafia. but yeahh...i actually got this new card thing...it has this shiny picture. its real weird. oh well.

soul calibur 4

2008-01-12T13:35:00.000-05:00

i know this isnt a blog for videogame commenting and stuff but there is ONE thing i would like to complain and discuss about. i do enjoy playing soul calibur and i do own a copy. each soul calibur game has playable characters like...link, and spawn and that heihachi...but seriously...star wars? yoda and darth vader are officially the playable characters for soul calibre 4. check out the game trailer. and i dont exactly think this is a BAD thing...but seriously...star wars? you can do alot better. there has been alot of negativity about it...so i wanna buy a copy for myself. check it out. but its only for wii and ps3. =(

and. rumors are that. ppl are still making gamecube games. =). im checking on that.

byebye break

2008-01-06T22:31:00.001-05:00

yosh! time for work. second term. this is the crazy term. i hope that everyone espiecially me can work hard. its gonna be real crazy this term. i know it. but ill work my hardest...for ice fishing! hahaha. yeah. i really like it. i really like the outdoors now. after the break. staying indoors is so BORING. i know im not the MOST athletic person alive but i enjoy a good challenge and a good wake up. so ice fishing...the cold...was good. i liked it...it was really refreshing...even though i had trouble with the drill and catching up with the guys. it was still fun.

school. is NOT fun on the other hand. i plan on working my ABSOLUTE hardest this year...on the courses that count of course. ill work extra hard. for that fishing day. i have boots that are actually appropiate.

yeah. so in the meantime. im only going to let myself use the computer if i REALLY REALLY have to. yes. thats my resolution for the new year. and it was exercising...but i already kind of broke that. i do stretching now.

mhmm..okay twelves. work hard! we have to meet up next year and talktalktalk.

boxingday hype

2007-12-28T00:33:00.000-05:00

merrychristmas! i realized that i havent blogged in a while. came by to say hello. mhmm.. today i went to sophias house and that was really fun...we watched a bunch of movies and it was really fun. hahaha. i realize i dont spend as much time with my school friends compared with my church friends so, now ill make more effort to try to spend some time. cause time is very precious, whats lost is lost, you can't get it back. so. i think. we should make good use of the time we have. yeah. so tomorrow. im going to chaps house. that should be pretty fun. if someone brings a gamecube with that wrestling game...ill pwn you all. hahaha.

since new years is coming up. i want to introduce one of my resolutions - exercise everyday. i know ive said that every year and every year i keep it up for a month...so this year im trying for different...ill try...2 MONTHS! hahaha. yeah. i know. hardcore. anyways. yeah. im getting mighty close to touching my toes a bit...just...a..little.....MORE!

wowsers

2007-12-17T00:24:00.000-05:00

wowsers. havent blogged for 14 days! thats a lot! sorry guys...been busy lately...yeah...lemme start offf with...I LOVE HEY! SAY! JUMP!...i know its a boy band thing...BUT ITS NOT GOING AWAY! hahaha. been pretty crazy lately...with uni apps and stuff...but im working my hardest...and doing as LITTLE procastination as possible. crap. is that history essay due this week? HAHA. anyways.
yeah. so ive decided with western and laurier. im going to apply...tommorrow...yes...and itll be the last time i said...ill apply tommorrow. HAHA. yeah. well. yeah. im doing pretty good.

i dont know. do you ever get into those phases where you just have to listen to this song OVER AND OVER AND OVER again? yeah. well. hello. im currently really obsessed with JUMP and...rocky themes...haha...yeah. i love the rocky themes.

well thats about it.

p.s. KEITO! im your biggest fan! :)

hero

2007-12-03T01:16:00.000-05:00

my summative...is a whole lot of fudging bull.
i am about to die.
my summative is so crappy that it looks like its going to fall apart
my seminar. whatever.
sleep....is very far away

my hero. wherever you are. please come rescue me. :(

bonbonbonbonbon

2007-11-29T00:43:00.000-05:00

hey yall. guess what?! im procastinating yet again...yes...unfortunately...oh man...history....is so screwed. anyways. guess what?! aci finally got their pin numbers...after...what? an excruciating 3 week wait. yeah. and now that i got it...i dont really know what to do with it. i dont wanna open it...cause...well...i just dont. its not like im gonna apply right away. haha.

oh. and this saturday. if you guys have time. aci mads are performing at the toronto centre of the arts for camina burana. ask for me for a goood discount... =) mhmm...okay. time to get back to burke.

jeepers my meepers!

2007-11-21T22:40:00.000-05:00

jeepers my meepers! haha. taking a break from studying ...whoohoo...today dodgeball was on...yay! got to see a little ben stiller..that cheered me up...and then mommie she brought home some viet/mong and that was SO good...grilled beef and mong. she came back from the goldenelephant. now im really happy and...hahah...i feel like that msn heart emoticon i have...its really cute and red. ill show you sometime. but yeah. exsci is KILLING me...i hate learning about aerobic and anaerobic and all that heart/muscle stuffs. yeah. tommorrow is the test...so i have to work uber hard.

yeah. i dont know. im in a pretty good mood today. also. grad pic sign ups...i still need to do that. seriously...everything is going so fast. like..im just seventeen and they expect me to pick what i want to do by january. which is totally ridiculous. ..and so i think that we should have grade 13 back! like. personally i need it...and like...because we dont have grade 13, we either move on or stay back a year...which APPARENTLY is the thing NOT to do..like its supposed to be "not good". like. as much as i want to leave this nasty high school life and go to university and experience new things..i dont want to rush it...but i feel like i need to because it is what "everyone else is doing".

just my thought of the week.

what to say

2007-11-18T22:10:00.000-05:00

what to say, i havent blogged in a while cause in reality. nothing INTERESTING interesting happened to me this week. JMC. Operation Christmas Child...stuff like that.

but this week. ive been really doing some reflective thinking and i find that i have come to finding myself wanting to have a greater purpose in life and in my faith. and i think this is a journey i have to take on my own. and recently ive really been questioning everything and it really helped me bring life into a different perspective. i know this...isnt exactly like me. my usual fun and perky self. but i really feel that there is something out there calling me. i just need to find it. ive been really wanting to do a missions trip sometime. just to go out and see what God has made. to be thankful in every step i take and everything i do. its just the financial and time issues thats really holding me back. so hopefully, God can speak out to me and show me the way.

HHO/symphonyno.9

2007-11-11T23:13:00.001-05:00

wow. lemme just say. WOW. i had a blast. i went to watch the HartHouseOrchestra on thursday playing symphony number 9 by beethoven featuring uofguelph choirs and guelph chamber choirs. oh man. so. beautiful.
so lemme start my story. i went downtown straight after i had orchestra at school and me and Fion (my cousin) went to eat dinner and went to look for the hart house. we even had a MAP printed from the website but we just couldnt find the place. we had to ask at least TEN people...im NOT exaggerating...yes...TEN people until we could find the stupid place...but then by then it was like...PACKED..so we had to stand outside.

but. the good thing about that was that we got to see the orchestra file in...cause i was sitting/standing RIGHT outside the doorway the orchestra was let in...and they filed one by one...until the basses at the end...and it was so COOL...cause they stood RIGHT by the doorway and i got to see their shifting and music and it was just TOO cool. so it was kind of good standing outside... but my legs...KILLED

there were some pieces by the choir...they were REALLY good too. like if i were at good music i would totally LOVE to perform and tour and stuff. its seriously what i would live for. and yeah..that took up like...an hour...so then by that time i was DYING...my legs were giving out...and i was walking for at least hour finding the hart house+ dinner before that. yeah. but luckily they put out chairs outside and i was lucky enough to grab a seat.

the feature presentation (symp. no.9) had FINALLY started and let me tell you...it was truly truly amazing. like watching the real thing and BEING there was so cool. i could seriously feel the intensity and the passion. it was amazing. everyone was so into it. and like..sitting here right now and im on youtube listening to it...the second movement and its SO much different. i can't really explain it...but it really made me miss seeing. it was...like...almost...like..i had goosebumps.
haha. anyways.

the last movement. aka. ode to joy. i didnt really..expect anything cause last year OUR orchestra played it and...it wasnt the same...hahaha. but yeah...like in the start...the basses filed out..and i was like...what the? and then the CHOIR filed in...and then they started playing ode to joy...since i was standing outside i couldnt really see but then i believe the bassist had a solo after 5 minutes of the orchestra playing and then more playing and then...SUDDENLY..it crescendoed and then the choir started shouting/singing and then the orchestra was like..BOOM BOOM...and it was like...SO AMAZING. that was. the most awesome thing ive heard this year...fine...second awesomest. the starfield concert was the most awesome. my generation..DUDES. i still DROOL about that sometimes. hahaha. yeah. and that was the concert...and i couldnt believe it...three hours just went like that...my COUSIN on the other hand...she fell asleep SEVERAL times..it finished at 11. i didnt get a chance to say bye to jason...but i did today! haha. yeah. and got home at twelve.

and the funny thing is that...jason told me about the concert only TWO days before the performance date. but im so glad that i went. i got to see jason again. yay. and it just reminds me how great God is...like...blessing us with music. is probably one of the greatest blessing He could ever give. and im really thankful for that.

cold fusion

2007-11-06T23:57:00.000-05:00

cold fusion COOLNESS. really i STILL dont get why its called COLD fusion, it should be more like HOT fusion cause isnt it the COLLISION of two atoms or molecules and so on? anyways. thats yeah...haha.

this week has been espiecially stressful on me...just cause my report marks arent that great...i even MIGHT have to do a victory lap if it doesnt improve. well...not that bad...but i FEEL like i SHOULD do a victory lap. i hate this year. its going too fast and is too hard. and like even right now. i seriously cant stop but procastinate cause i really feel that my marks cant get any higher, as hard as i try. i dont know. people say first term dont count so whatever.

but yeah. i hate thinking about this stuff. so i wont. on thursday. im going to watch the HHO. yehyeh. hahaha and our very own JASON LEUNG is in the second violin section. too pro, too pro. so yeah. that'll be the highlight of my day. =)

i love You the most

2007-10-30T19:13:00.001-04:00

leading t4c this year has been just so overwhelming for me...its made me really frustrated and just disappointed when we leave the meetings. so i sent an email to tiff asking for advice and im just really amazed at the advice she gives me.

anyway, i guess i want to encourage u to go "back to the basics". stop and ask yourself "WHY am i leading t4c?" something i was reminded of recently was that "God doens't need us to serve him" whether we lead t4c, dido, do worship or whatever DOES NOT MATTER. that sounds kind of harsh but it's true. what we do does not change/touch ppl, it's the work of the holy spirit that does so.

by going "back to the basics" i mean, do what God asks us to do first and foremost which is to "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. " Deuteronomy 6:5 this is the FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT thing God wants us to do, he even says so "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 he does not say, "serving in t4c, doing nice things for others, etc.." is the greatest.. he says LOVING HIM is most important.

and this is the humble and real answer she gives me. and it is such an impact cause, thats exactly what i havent been doing. ive been so concerned with trying to plan for next week and being so stressed about it..that i have forgotten the most important thing. to love him. and even though im co-chairing this fellowship...im pretty sure i havent been thinking of him as much as i should of and i certainly did not enjoy myself in the process.

and the crazy thing is. everytime i tried to get away from all the stress ive been having..i certainly did not turn to God, i think, maybe, he was the last person i wanted to turn to. and thats so wrong. it makes me think "what have i been doing so far?" and i know the answer perfectly well. i did not work to please God, but to please the people attending the fellowship. '
so. starting right now. i just simply want to be God's vessel. the vessel to pass on the Word and His love. i want God to work in me and change the people around me. i want to pass on His love because I love Him the most.

englishcongregationretreat

2007-10-28T19:15:00.000-04:00

hey loves.
im back and as TIRED as ever. never again. two retreats in a row.
haha. yeah. we went to this joy bible camp place. it was pretty fun. the cabins were SO crap but the rest of the facilities were okay. um so. summary. hahaha. lemme attempt to write one of shannon's long essays.

friday:
gaygaygay. so we had commencement on friday and so i couldnt board the bus with the rest of the people. (not like i wanted to board that crapshack bus) but ANYWAYS. thats for later. yeah. i tell my conductor that i have to leave by 8 and so then. i wait and i wait. its 8. so i just leave. haha. and then we head off to joybiblecamp. and yeah. we get there by TWELVE? haha. and my back was so "chow gun" because it was so cold and i was wearing my leggings because of my performance and stuff. so yeah. i bunked with sharon, em, nat, abbie, jasmine, jennifer and carrie. yupp. first day.

saturday:
hmm. we had a full day. and that was fun. we had two workshops. and the first workshop was um...spiritual motivation led by justins dad. it was good...i just fell asleep. haha. i had no sleep the night before yeah. and then lunch and then we had our second workshop. and it was meditation with uncle charles. and actually i really enjoyed it. the description of the workshop was learning to meditate and LISTEN to what God wants you to. and it was somewhat similar to the lecto divina or something like that. and it was really helpful. like sometimes when i have alone time i meditate on God's creation and it was really great. if you want my notes ask. i think it really helps. yeah. and we had free time yesterday, but it was RAINING like MAD. so no s-ball for today. yeah. i wish more people wouldve went...but whatever. yeah. it was ok. cause i had really bad cramps yesterday too. so i couldnt really do anything. and then we had a discussion on discussion time and it was 3 topics. autonomy (the dual churches splitting), missional church and small groups. our group got missions and we had a great discussion. lots of snacks and DS after that and then it was time for sleep. i know alot more happened...but haha...i forgot

sunday:
last day! yay! or BOO! haha. yeah. woke up SUPER late cause everyone was so extremely tired. and actually..it cleared up today so we hurriedly ate breakfast to play some excellent s-ball. and it was really fun. yeah. and then oh. when i was going to grab my glove. there was the most PRECIOUS looking cat. it was white with blue eyes. and i really like cats. they are kind of mystical. and really mysterious. and oh my goodness i wanted to PACK that cat in my luggage. haha. yeh. after that. we had some more s-ball..then time to go home. and the bus. dont even talk about the bus. that is the most shady-est crappiest bus ive ever gone on. yeh. and then we just went home.

worship:
was ABSOLUTELY amazing. we had the tyndale worship team thing...we have something called a chapel we attend and the worship is absolutely amazing. the passion and the drive was so clear and the sound...was amazing. haha. i seriously can't explain it. it was like the hillsongs concert...but so much more personal.

haha. yeh. and that was my weekend.

p.s. congrats to abbie for becoming an auntie! yay! auntie abbie!

take off

2007-10-23T21:45:00.001-04:00

as you might have or not
noticed...i have taken my blog link off my msn name.
just cause i just want to blog more often
theres so much things on my mind and i just dont want certain people to read it so.
well...despite removing the link
i dont really have much to say...and i really should study
haha.

slow week

2007-10-16T21:11:00.000-04:00

this week. has been a REALLY slow week. haha. im really anticipating for the weekend and im really anticipating for tommorrow to be over.
tommorrow...ive got a bunch of stuff to do.
thursday. im doing the climb...im REALLY excited for that...but for some reason...im really really...paranoid but...i have a feeling im suddenly gonna have a cramp or my joints are gonna start hurting and im gonna faint and...all this pleasant stuff. haha.
yeah.
friday. cell outing and retreat. im really looking forward to the retreat. i hope itll be fun...last year was...pretty fun. and new committee members too. so yehyeh.

and OH. i finally got that piano book i wanted so much. i asked my mom and she let me order it. it came all the way from japan. and its SO expensive. but i lovelovelove it so much. and my kai mah...she got me a classical piano book. hehehe. its so nice. i love getting musical related things because then it not only benefits me but other people. i can play it to them and it just brings people together and it just feels so good.

oh. my. GOODNESS. i have a PHILOSOPHY UNIT TEST TOMMORROW and i FORGOT my binder. my GOODNESS. why is PHILOSOPHY NOT WORKING OUT?!

oldie

2007-10-13T00:04:00.001-04:00

oh.man.
im becoming an oldie.

i cant hoola hoop anymore. =(

s2

2007-10-09T22:16:00.000-04:00

lim dong hyek,
youre my hero (: