first step

first step feels great.
it really does. i think this past month was a really big .... learning experience for me. and it was really difficult.

it was tough. it really was.
i thought that i had done something wrong.
i felt like, even if i gave my best, it was not enough. and it was upsetting.

but. i feel that, in all trials and tribulations (even though mine wasnt as drastic as it should be), we can be joyful, that we can only praise for the outcome and be thankful for the things learnt.

it doesnt make sense. it really doesnt. but, just reflecting on what i've learnt, experience is so valuable. and. being sad and upset is part of the experience.
it doesnt feel very good.
and i can't say i want to repeat the experience.

but in leaving this.
i feel strong. and im so glad im finally moving.

¹Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ²through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. ³Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 5: 1-5

finally moving

im done with this. i really am.
ive hurted for a really long time.
and ive been so pathetic.

im done with this.

sin has no power over me.
sin is not my master.

my only Master is Him and Him alone. and He overcomes all.

prepare me for battle.
strap me on with all Your armour.

im ready to take the next step.

reopened

so today, i decided to open up some of my old wounds and pick at them.
it hurt. alot.

seriously. how did it end up like this?

im so frustrated. i don't understand.
in being passive, ill be hurt.
in being active, ill be hurt.

i was told to let go of all my hurts, worries, troubles on sunday before the sermon.
i am still holding on. afraid to let go.
my heart actually worries at the thought.

i want to scream. i want to cry. i want everything to be okay.

teach me to let go.

you know, sometimes you know that something is wrong when you envy another brother/sister's spiritual walk.

i cry for restoration.

Asleep

Sometimes.
Okay. Maybe.
Alot of the time. I listen to the radio and think...

"Is there someone to write a song about me?"
"Is there someone who misses me or thinks about me all the time?"

It's embarassing. It's stupid.
But, in order to get this behind me, I think I should post it.


Lord, wake me up.
Lord, stir my soul.

Break this heart of stone.

Once again, I'm sorry

Sorry for having to wait for me.
For so long.

Your heart must have hurt.
Your heart even hurt for me when I was hurt.

Sorry for being more preoccupied with my distractions.

Thank you for falling in love with me.
I never thought anyone would.

Oblivious

Oblivious.
That's exactly what I am.


Inexperienced.
Naive.

I am so stupid.
I forgive too easily.

How could anyone ever be interested in me?

love is everywhere

Over the duration of this weekend, our church held a missions conference on evangelism during the dark times. And, I know I should have been focusing on the sermon, but for some reason...I noticed all the married couples and how they sit beside each other and talk and share about the message. It was so nice and a real breath of fresh air from the married life some people experience in society today. Call me old fashioned, but I want to see myself like that 10 years from now...or maybe even sooner. ;) And it was really nice, because I found out this weekend that two church friends of mine started to date. (after lots and lots of prayer!) It's a really happy day! I guess I've finally hit the stage in my life in which I'm actively thinking about a relationship and what it means to be in one.

However, even though I am THINKING about it, I don't think I'm mature enough or experienced enough to progress. I am being very prayerful about it, and I'm trying to be very patient. But sometimes, waiting is really hard. Especially when you see other friends in relationships. Over the course of these few months, I've learned that when the time is right, the Lord will open up "his" heart to you. It feels like that day is taking forever to come.

I also want to share my day with someone. Tell him when I'm happy, or when I'm sad. Uplift each other in Christ. Pray together. Worship together. Laugh together. Cry together. I want to experience all these things too.

I do have someone in mind. And I have been praying for this particular person and our relationship. It feels like I'm not getting much of a response, and I worry that we won't be together in the end. (Which is a bad mentality!) But even though our relationship is kind of irregular, and even though I fight with him a lot and even though we have contrasting personalities and even though I can't act normally around this person. I still want to get to know this person more and more and I want him to know me more and more too.

In this post, I was able to write about alot of my personal thoughts. I'm actually really glad I did. I would just like to comment on one more thing. Even though most of the thoughts posted above made me seem insecure about relationships and whatnot, I'd like to emphasize that the Lord has everything in control. Even though I worry about the possible chance of not entering a relationship with this "someone", I rejoice in the fact that the Lord will provide me with a person who is perfect for me. Regardless of whether it is that "someone" or not.